Tuesday, June 21, 2005

What the Michael Jackson jury should have looked like

So another jury let a celebrity off the hook…. and Michael Jackson walks (for now).
Don’t get me wrong; the idea of a jury is in itself a legitimate one – providing the jury consists of 12 peers. And that’s the crux of the matter. Michael Jackson never had his panel of peers. Who should have been jury members? My suggestion would be as follows.

Jury # 1: Ronald McDonald
Reasons: Also kind of creepy, white faced, outlandish dress code, sexually ambiguous.
Lives in a dream world since he promotes junk food as being good for kids.
Obviously never touches the stuff himself, considering he is not shaped like the Goodyear Blimp.
Risk factor: Might corrupt the jury pool with junk food.

Jury # 2: Paris Hilton
Reasons: Striving to reach the same level of celebrity. Not doing too shabbily considering she is more or less half the age of the accused. So involved in herself that she for sure would be impartial. Would also add a nice splash of pink on Court TV.
Risk factor: Will make a reality show out of it “The Creepy Life”.

Jury # 3: Bill Clinton
Reasons: Same level of notoriety. Knows how the game is played – and how to win.
Risk factor: Will write a book about it “My Jury Life”.

Jury # 4: Donald Trump
Reasons: Also has bad hair and an egomaniac disposition. Tries to reach the same fame level. Is already successful on the kitsch level.
Risk factor: Would try to rename the court building Trump Hall of Justice.

Jury # 5: The Runaway Bride aka Jennifer Wilbanks
Reasons: Also knows all about family pressure and also doesn’t have a grip on reality.
Also caught on camera looking like a hare caught in the headlights on the verge of the mental breakdown.
Risk factor: Might run off during a break.

Jury # 6: Mike Tyson
Reasons: Has been there, experienced it – the hard way. Was also considered an icon.
Risk factor: Anyone addressing the jury with “please lend me your ear”.

Jury # 7: Madonna
Reasons: the Queen of Pop on the jury of the King of Pop – how fitting. Knows about reputations. Also had an ambiguous sex life style.
Risk factor: Will try to convert the jury to Kabbalah.

Jury # 8: Judge Judy
Reasons: Also slender, prune faced and also has an inflated self-image. Knows a thing or two about law.
Risk factor: Will shout as fellow jury members that they are stupid and idiots.

Jury # 9: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Reasons: Understands about creating one’s own reality. Doesn’t mind aliens with strange accents and voices. Knows what it is to be part of a famous family and do what’s been told.
Risk factor: Could terminate fellow jury members when they don’t understand a word he said.

Jury # 10: Bill Gates
Reasons: Richer and more powerful than the accused. Same age and also pale faced. Also afraid of his kids being kidnapped. Also created his own Neverland – in a high tech fashion.
Risk factor: Would insist on every jury deliberation to run on Windows, which would delay the verdict by months.

Jury # 11: Oprah Winfrey
Reasons: Richer and more powerful than the accused. Also an icon that has been around for decades.
Risk factor: Will discuss it ad nauseam in her program.

Jury # 12 and jury spokesman: Peewee Herman
Reasons: Also pale, slender and slightly creepy. Also speaks in a high-pitched, child like voice. Created and lived in Peewee’s Playhouse which resembles Neverland.
Most importantly: been there, done it.
Risk factor: Might want to compare notes with the accused.

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