Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Letter to Camilla (2)

From: Debra
To: Queen Camilla

Dear Camilla,

So you did it…. despite my misgivings…your choice!
Here I am, writing to you again to review Your Day.

For starters, it was really a bummer that Chucky had to fly to Rome to attend the funeral of the Pope, so you had to postpone the wedding by one day. Pity Chuck-Dear will be head of the Church of England one day. If you guys would have been Jewish, you could have (and even should have) gone ahead. Once a Jewish wedding date is set, nothing (providing the bride and groom are able to attend) can stop it. Would have saved you a lot of stress and money….
But I understand that he had no choice….

Let’s discuss the logistics first. Shuttling wedding guests to and from the town hall in minibuses is tacky – doesn’t the Windsor Clan have a whole fleet of limousines and other luxurious automobiles? I know that fuel prices went up, but cutting costs by transporting your family and guests in buses for a 3 to 5-minute ride is pushing it. Also having the “Windsonian” name and logo sprawled all over the sides of the buses is overdoing it…or did your stingy mother-in-law make a sponsor deal?
Talking about your prim-and-proper mother-in-law, why was she wearing off-white? Did she want to upstage you? I know she is fashioned-challenged, but wearing white and off-white to weddings is a no-no, unless you are the bride of course. But then, it has been decades ago that she was a blushing bride…
I must say - your outfits were stunning. I trust you paid for them with HRH’s credit card. I read somewhere that his is platinum, so no fear that you will max it out in the near future. And even if so, what can he do, sue you?

So now you joined the ranks of the highly dysfunctional W. family. I don’t know whether to congratulate you on becoming the second most powerful woman in Great Britain or to pity you. BTW, I checked the legal side of your chances being Queen once Charles III takes the crown. Unless the whole commonwealth (we are talking about dozens of countries!) change their local law or constitution, you will automatically be Queen, nothing to be done. The present Queen might be able to bully Blair to change the law in England, but I have my doubts that the Scots, Canadians, Aussies and Kiwis will so easily fall into step. So don’t worry, you will be Queen Camilla one day and have “the face that launched a thousand stamps”.
I bet the Queen Mum is frowning from above, notwithstanding her own shady origins.

I read that your great-something-mother was the mistress of Charlie’s great-something-father. As I wrote before, I find it a shame that you didn’t stick with this excellent scenario but decided to make it all legal and proper. Not very emancipated, but then, you don’t strike me as a brass brazier burning activist. So I honestly wish you well.

The two of you were endearingly klutzy during the whole ceremony.
You have to invest in some waving-to-the-crowd lessons. I know that it’s hard to wave with a limp hand, but waving around your bouquet is not the answer. Not that I have any experience, mind you, but if you want to be a Royal Barbie, you have to act the part.
The weather was fine – British style. No rain, but the wind played havoc with your hat – I was afraid you would be scalped. Apart from the flapping feather contraption, your roots were showing. I don’t mean to be bitchy, but you really should use Chuckey’s platinum credit card for a decent hairdresser.

I understand that Queeny behaved, well, like herself.
I tell you, the woman can reverse global warming with her frosty demeanor. Even in church she was standing like a log of wood, even unsettling her uncouth husband. It might be me, but not singing the hymns and songs with the rest of the congregation seems disrespectful, and I am not even going to comment on her “when will this farce finally be over” facial expression….
I know that the Derby was on and she probably bet a small fortune (for us simple mortals, not for her) on one of those four-legged racers, but starting her speech at the reception by saying that she had an “important message” and proceeding that “Hedgehunter won the race” is really low. I would not be flattered to be compared to a horse, but then, you are British so you might find her remarks a) funny and b) not offensive. Personally, I would have put a nice fast working laxative in her champagne and see Beth run.

Your guests were a bunch of strange birds, or at least dressed like ones.
The American anchors covering your wedding were completely baffled by the feathery concoctions that most female guests sported as hats.
The Colonials seem to prefer classic wide-rimmed hats, which make a lot of sense to me.
I would love to see Ms. Bush wearing the hat your daughter was sporting, could you may be arrange something to that effect? The Americans need a good laugh.
At least none of your guests was wearing a bird’s nest or some other Ascot-like creation, so we should be grateful for small blessings.

Your honeymoon is another concept I don’t quite understand. Why are you roughing it out in some kind of ancient hunting lodge in Scotland? I can tell you from personal experience that they don’t invest in heating and/or isolations, so you will suffer. But then again, being British, you might be used to it (or even like it).
If you want some nice pointers on a more exotic (and warm) honeymoon, I can give you the name and email of a recently married friend of mine. She is money-wise not in your league yet (although she made a very nice career move!), so I’m pretty sure that if my friends could afford to fly to a tropical paradise, so can you. But then, the lodge is free of charge, since Chuck inherited it from his granny. I hope for you that at least the food is good and you don’t have to suffer on a diet of black pudding (made from blood) and haggis (made of unidentified animal organ parts).

Dear Camilla, although you still behave too much like an aged Barbara Cartland heroine, I implore you to stir things up a bit in Buck House.

Your still concerned friend Debra

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