To: Queen Camilla
You don’t might that I address you like this, do you?
I am writing to you to lend you a sympathetic ear and offer you some advice.
You have been with Chucky for 30+ years now, off and on, as his “love interest”, correct?
I am really disappointed that you are making it official. Don’t you think that you owe it to all dowdy looking middle-aged couples to carry-on your illicit relationship?
The world is filled with stodgy married couples of advanced years and you do not want to turn out like your future mother-in-law, do you?
The two of you really spiced things up with your cell phone conversations. (Although I never looked at sanitary products the same way again).
Apart from that, why do you want to join the ranks of this highly dysfunctional family? And Jug Ears is not exactly a knight in shining armor, poor lamb. His career path is limited to him waiting for Mummy Dearest to keel over. Knowing her, he will have a hard time peeling her of the throne – she seems to have superglued herself to it.
My estimation – considering the age of her mother when she joined Victoria & Albert in the Heavenly Hanoverian Court – Beth will last another 20 years, which will put poor Charley in the Pope age group once he takes office. He will be a pensioner before he will be a ruler. You will have to schlep your own aging body along, nothing to be done. Are you up for that? Would you not prefer to frolic around at some tropical island instead? The Teutonic Windsors (formally know as Von Battenberg) are not known for their humor and racy lifestyle, so you run the risk of slipping into a boredom coma.
As you know, Buck House is all about Protocol. Look what they did to Wallis the Witch when she snared the heir to the throne. And Diana was also not treated like a favorite pet. I bet that the corgis got more respect than Dashing Di.
Talking about Diana, please note that people will never forgive you for not being more glamorous than she was. Forget about the rest, they judge you by your appearance. Your horsy looks - with a touch of a strict Nanny mixed in- just don’t sell tabloids, sorry. But since hubby-to-be has money coming out of his Windsor flapper ears (just check the financial records of the Duchy of Cornwall), you have enough resources to improve them. Don’t overdue it though – you don’t want to freak him out by turning into a Di-clone.
Did they already force you to sign a pre-nup the size of the Guttenberg Bible?
I understand that you got your antique platinum-and-diamond engagement ring from the Windsor jewels under the condition that it returns to the crown jewels once you join wife #1 in the hereafter. It might be me, but couldn’t Chuck Darling spring for an original instead of borrowing from Betty’s treasure trove? He is not exactly strapped for cash, is he? Be careful there is no pattern there – before he starts clocking the time you spent in the hot shower and counting the peas on your plate…
It is sweet that you are over the moon and act like a lovesick teenager. However, you have to realize that it damages the image of all cynical, independent women in their advanced prime (like me) worldwide. Before we know it, our Significant Others expects us to fawn over them as well. Since most of us do not have access to a full-staffed palace, it means that we will be stuck again with all the household jobs that we fought so hard to cram down their masculine throats. You did not think about that, did you?!
I understand that since you two announced that you are going to tie the knot, the courtiers at Buck House have worked overtime to make this as difficult as possible.
It was clear that you could not marry in the Church of England – Charley will be Head once he becomes monarch, and the CoE doesn’t recognize divorce. So unless your ex-husband ceases to exist, you are persona-non-grata. Which is rather ironic, since Henry VIII made himself head of the church when he solved his marriage problems in a rather unorthodox way.
So you opted for a civil marriage at the cozy home of Queen B. I wonder if that was also Chuck’s idea to save a penny?
The courtiers were busy blocking you from being the future Queen. This puzzles me - if Latifa can be Queen, why not you? So know you will be the King’s Consort, which sounds a lot like the King’s Floozy to me. I bet they are adapting the law to that effect. Anyway, I understand that they were so busy with your future title that they forgot to check if there were any ramifications for the two of you tying the knot at Bess’ abode. The Queen had another Dies Horribilis (Shitty day in Bush Language) when they finally stumbled upon the fact that once Q. opens the doors for her Heir and His Consort to get hitched, she would have to allow others to do the same for the next 3 years. Quel Horreur! (Holy shit in Bush Language). So she hastily informed the world that you two “are delighted” to get married in the local Civil Hall next to a hamburger joint. Queeny also saw a golden opportunity to weasel out of the whole marriage charade by announcing that she “complies with your wishes to keep it simple” and she will therefore not attend. Her unruly offspring immediately followed suit (afraid they will be disowned?).
For you this is a blessing in disguise – you do not want their sourpuss faces in your wedding pics.
The big Q. went on to assure everyone that it was not a snub and that she is going to pay for the wedding reception. (My bet: she will order from the fast food joint next to the City Hall, so she can get all the munchies free of charge).
I understand that you set the day in April, so you have enough time to reconsider. I urge you to cancel the whole shindig and to merrily carry on as you two have been doing for the last three decades.
And if you really, really want to go down the bridal path, at least be clever and tie the knot in Las Vegas. I saw some convenient drive-through wedding chapels, so all your problems will be solved in one shot. And there are enough fast-food restaurants for your wedding reception and hotel rooms for your honeymoon.
Dear Camilla, there is still time enough to stop acting like a menopause Barbie and join the living together-set again.
A concerned Debra