Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Kardashians Take Kuba (a parody)

Hi Dolls”, Ma Jenner drawled. “I got some exiting news”. Three of her offspring, slouching on the couch and checking their hair for slit ends, looked at her with a vacant look in their eyes. Accustomed to the mental powers of her first litter, she announced: “We have a new show on E!” As the Mommager, she wanted to do some damage control after Kim’s latest matrimonial disaster. The backlash had been too painful for her bank account.

I only want to go somewhere, like, warm and sexy,” piped up K1 aka Kourtney. “And I need to get over my heartache,” added Sister Kim, still trying to master the art of crying while looking gorgeous on camera. Dressed casually, she was unsuccessfully channeling Queen Cleopatra, including gold hair jewelry. K-Mum’s third daughter stared at her parent-unit, knowing that this would not bode well for her own marriage. “Where will we shoot?” she barked, wanting to get it over with.

It’s called “The Kardashians take Kuba!” Kris trumpeted. “Really?” Bruce Jenner said, looking up from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition he was reading (for the articles of course). “What about the travel restrictions?” As usual, his spouse of too many years ignored him.

Kim, blinking her eyes, tried to formulate a thought. “Is Kuba, like, close to Miami?” she asked not addressing anyone in particular. “Swimming distance”, deadpanned Pa Jenner. Kim threw him a vacant look and remarked: “Oh Kourt, that’s perfect! We can so, like, party and shop and bring some culture to the locals!” Jenner Père rolled his eyes; not an easy feat after his latest eye lift. He focused on his reading material again and was happy to leave it all in the moneymaking hands of his Boss-Wife. She was raking in enough money to support their Jenner/Kardashian offspring.

The good people of Cuba were not impressed at all by the dark-haired K-sisters. The island has its own beehive of beauties, more culture than the K-Klan has soaked up in their collective lives, and more appealing (and better made) clothes than those they hawk in their Dash shops.

While partying up a storm, the lack of local enthusiasm didn’t bother them one bit. The folks at home were still lapping it up, so who cared? Well, as it turned out, the Cuban government realized that the K-invasion was not exactly helpful to get into the good books of the current Administration.

Furthermore, renaming their country “Kuba” also did not go down well. But once they called the national leader “a cutie” and spelled his name “Kastro”, that’s was the end of it. They were kicked out. The images of Kourtney telling the authorities that they were behaving “in an, like, un-American way”, and that they should learn to speak English “like everybody else in Florida”, went viral.

In an official press release, the Klu Klux Klan announced that due to the Kardashians’ antics, it was now forced to officially change its name to Clu Clux Clan. Several organizations with the initials CCC have since hired Gloria Allred to sue.

(Image courtesy of Calvin Ayre)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

10 Words to Use...Or To Avoid!

As we all know, language is alive and thriving. New words enter our language, whether we like them (and want to use them) or not. Following are some great (and not so great) additions to our language, courtesy of the good people residing in ivory towers (aka universities).

Lake Superior State University released its 37th List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness. These include pop culture catchphrases (aka E! speak) "baby bump," "man cave" and "the new normal."

Hot on its heels, Wayne State University released its fourth list of 10 words it says deserve greater use.

"The English language has more words in its lexicon than any other," said
Jerry Herron, dean of Wayne State's Honors College. "By bringing these words
back into conversation, we expand our ability to communicate clearly and
help make our world a more interesting place
." Quod erat demonstrandum.

Curious about WSU's top 10?

  1. Antediluvian: Antiquated; old-fashioned; out of date. (Literally: "before the flood," referring to the biblical deluge. No not confuse with “après nous, le déluge)

  2. Erstwhile: Former; bygone.

  3. Execrable: Atrocious; wretched; abominable.

  4. Frisson: Thanks the French language for this word meaning that sudden, involuntary shiver felt at times of great emotion.

  5. Parlous: Dangerous or risky. It’s a variant of the Middle English word "perilous."

  6. Penultimate: Next to last.

  7. Sisyphean: Actually or apparently endless and futile. (After Sisyphus, who was doomed by the gods to roll a stone uphill, only to have it always roll back down).

  8. Supercilious: Contemptuous; disdainful; condescending.

  9. Transmogrify: To change completely, usually grotesquely, in appearance or form.

  10. Truckle: Submit obsequiously; be subservient; kowtow.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Bevriende Talen

Deze blog is geschreven door een goed vriend van mij onder het speudoniem Bart Aalbers.

Molière schreef: een mens leeft zovele levens als hij talen spreekt.

Sinds de Babylonische spraakverwarring en de telkenmale oplaaiende taalstrijd

lijkt een beknopt historisch overzicht op zijn plaats.

Mogelijk taalt de erudiete lezer hier niet naar.

Hiërogliefen hebben zich ontwikkeld tot strips en clips.

Het spijkerschrift zit al decennia letterlijk vastgeroest

De oudst bekende Europese taal is de Neander taal.

Sindsdien heeft de taal zich sterk ontwikkeld via wat er aan tafel wordt gezegd als voertaal tot de hedendaagse digitaal.

Brutus sprak de, nu dode, Latijnse brutaal, die Julius Caesar fataal werd.

Men zegt dat woorden kunnen doden en die zijn dan lethaal.

Gelukkig is het Nederlands nog vitaal.

Iemand met gevoel voor taal heeft talent,

goedpraten is onbetaalbaar en mannentaal is mentaal.

Wie er geen kaas van heeft gegeten spreekt niet de Emmer taal.

Moedertaal maakt niet moe.

Iemand met toekomst is een talend talent

Een variant op Molière is: een mens heeft zovele levens als hij vrienden heeft

Een vriend is iemand die om of aan je geeft of, voor je betaalt,

niet iemand die het je betaald zet.

Een goede vriend is onbetaalbaar.