The Kardashians Take Kuba (a parody)

“Hi Dolls”, Ma Jenner drawled. “I got some exiting news”. Three of her offspring, slouching on the couch and checking their hair for slit ends, looked at her with a vacant look in their eyes. Accustomed to the mental powers of her first litter, she announced: “We have a new show on E!” As the Mommager, she wanted to do some damage control after Kim’s latest matrimonial disaster. The backlash had been too painful for her bank account.

“I only want to go somewhere, like, warm and sexy,” piped up K1 aka Kourtney. “And I need to get over my heartache,” added Sister Kim, still trying to master the art of crying while looking gorgeous on camera. Dressed casually, she was unsuccessfully channeling Queen Cleopatra, including gold hair jewelry. K-Mum’s third daughter stared at her parent-unit, knowing that this would not bode well for her own marriage. “Where will we shoot?” she barked, wanting to get it over with.

“It’s called “The Kardashians take Kuba!” Kris trumpeted. “Really?” Bruce Jenner said, looking up from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition he was reading (for the articles of course). “What about the travel restrictions?” As usual, his spouse of too many years ignored him.

Kim, blinking her eyes, tried to formulate a thought. “Is Kuba, like, close to Miami?” she asked not addressing anyone in particular. “Swimming distance”, deadpanned Pa Jenner. Kim threw him a vacant look and remarked: “Oh Kourt, that’s perfect! We can so, like, party and shop and bring some culture to the locals!” Jenner Père rolled his eyes; not an easy feat after his latest eye lift. He focused on his reading material again and was happy to leave it all in the moneymaking hands of his Boss-Wife. She was raking in enough money to support their Jenner/Kardashian offspring.

The good people of Cuba were not impressed at all by the dark-haired K-sisters. The island has its own beehive of beauties, more culture than the K-Klan has soaked up in their collective lives, and more appealing (and better made) clothes than those they hawk in their Dash shops.

While partying up a storm, the lack of local enthusiasm didn’t bother them one bit. The folks at home were still lapping it up, so who cared? Well, as it turned out, the Cuban government realized that the K-invasion was not exactly helpful to get into the good books of the current Administration.

Furthermore, renaming their country “Kuba” also did not go down well. But once they called the national leader “a cutie” and spelled his name “Kastro”, that’s was the end of it. They were kicked out. The images of Kourtney telling the authorities that they were behaving “in an, like, un-American way”, and that they should learn to speak English “like everybody else in Florida”, went viral.

In an official press release, the Klu Klux Klan announced that due to the Kardashians’ antics, it was now forced to officially change its name to Clu Clux Clan. Several organizations with the initials CCC have since hired Gloria Allred to sue.

(Image courtesy of Calvin Ayre)