Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Mommy 2.0 explained – beauty is only scalpel-deep

Beauty seems to be scalpel-deep. And when you are a plastic surgeon looking for more clients, what do you do? Advertising? Handing out flyers in the Mall? Mailing campaigns? Mmmm, high cost, low impact. Wait, Mother’s Day is around the corner, so why not try to target those young mothers?
With the right kind of promotion, droves of them could be heading for the surgery – demanding lifts, tucks, and anything else the clinic offers.
And what better angle than doing that via their beloved offspring?

Hence the birth of “My Beautiful Mommy”, a book written by Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a board-certified plastic surgeon in Bal Harbour, Fla.
(I wonder if our enterprising MD will pen a sequel “My Dashing Daddy” to attract male patients.)
Our enterprising medicus claims that his liber is the first book that explains plastic surgery to kids, an issue he says many of his patients are struggling with. Funny, I would expect them struggling to pay our dear doctor’s bill.

Just to avoid any misunderstanding, the book relates to Mommy’s beauty operation, and not to reconstructive surgery due to accidents or cancer (which IMHO would make a hell of a lot more sense!)

The book is a self-publishing or vanity press one. For those of you who are not familiar with the concept: you pay for it yourself, including printing, and hope to get your costs covered and some profit from sales. No agent or publisher is involved. Since bookshops don’t carry self-publishing books, you will not find “My beautiful Mommy” in any Borders or WHSmith near you.
(According to my calculation, our medical author paid less than $ 4,000 to get started with 50 copies for sale – cheaper than a lot of marketing and PR campaigns).

Each book must have a hero – in this case Dr. Michael, who looks like a pumped-up superhero. In real life, our dear doctor looks far less glamorous as can be seen here.

The storyline is as follows: mommy gets a “mommy makeover” + nose job.
She justifies this to her little girl with “You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better." She assures the apple of her eye that her nose will appear "different, my dear—prettier!"
(After hearing this, I am sure that the little one immediately scurried to a mirror to check out her own honker).

The book is aimed at kids ages 4 to 7. It’s funny that the kid portrayed is a girl – are sons less traumatized? Or did they already talk to Daddy who explained that Mommy must look really good; otherwise Daddy will move in with his g-f?
Or maybe little boys don’t pay that much attention to their mother’s appearance anyway – as the blogger shayknows remarked on SheKnows Daily Dish: “I could show up with a third breast and I don’t think my kids would even notice”.

When explaining your upcoming upgrade to Mommy 2.0, please take the time to:
  • Point out that the sacking breasts and floppy belly are the kid’s fault to begin with.
    Before getting pregnant, Mommy looked like Jennifer Aniston, now she looks like Brigitte Bardot.
  • Make sure that your child still recognizes you after surgery.
    Don’t forget, you cannot solely depend on your 401(k) plan, so it’s wise to stay on the good side of Junior who will take care of you in your golden years. I am sure Bill Gates’ mother agrees.
  • Explain that your child’s old, fat and tired Mommy will be transformed into Daddy’s glamorous PA, but still will nag you to do chores and homework.
  • Make a before/after chart that explains Mommy’s new facial expressions.
    Yes, Mommy is surprised/upset; you just cannot see that due to Mommy’s Botox face (show image of your frozen face).
  • No, Dr. Michael didn’t hit Mommy on the mouth, Daddy likes kissing bee-stung lips (and maybe Dr. Michael does too between pushups in the gym).
  • No, you cannot hug Mommy really close anymore – her new breasts are in the way.
  • Make sure to point out that they too, can get rid of their Windsor Flapper ears or Habsburg chin, just look at New Mommy!

After reading Dr. S tantalizing tale, your little darling has now learned the true values in life.
To prepare her for her own future stint with Dr. Salzhauer (his wife is pregnant with child #5, so quite likely one of his heirs will follow in Daddy’s footsteps), make sure she gets practice.
The best source is the online fashion show Miss Bimbo where she can buy plastic surgery for her own virtual characters.
Trust me; it’s a great way to shape her to be one of the coolest hotties around. Let’s face it – who needs a Nobel Prize winner as a child?

1 comment:

ChiKiiTV said...

Thanks for the quote. I found myself disturbed and cracking up. My advice for moms is this:

1) Always fund your kids therapy fund along side their college fund. That way when they blame us for screwing them up they have an outlet to get fixed up. :)

2) Have the cosmetic stuff done before they turn two. They'll never remember the trauma of seeing you down and out and when they complain about their nose at 20 something you can tell them they got it from Great Grandma. Then if they want to fix it (like mom) you can draw from the therapy fund.

aka ChiKiiTV