Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Size matters

Size does matter. This time, I am not referring to guys, but to women.
Guys have hang-ups about the size of their cars and gadgets; women have different size fixations.
When in comes to dressing, men are sensible: if it doesn’t fit, they don’t wear it.
A lot of women on the other hand love to follow fashion, no matter what.
So they wear outfits that are too tight, too short and don’t fit their coloring or body type at all. They harbor the misconception that they look elegant and sexy in these outfits, thus visually polluting their environment.
The sales chicks in boutiques, being young, slim and gorgeous, will happily inform their clientele that they look great. So would I if it would generate a nice commission.
Apart from tight tops that are most of the time also too short, the low riding pants are a huge favorite. These pants look great on skinny 16-year old girls – not on mature women. As a result, an unsightly roll of flesh spills over the waist of their too-tight pants.
This is referred to as the muffin top, since it resembles a muffin bursting out of the pan. If the front view is bad enough (the bulging belly button with or without piercing is enough to make any person anorexic), the tattoo on the hip or lower back adds to the horror scenario. Don’t get me wrong – ceremonial tattoos are great, just look at some African tribes and the Maoris. But zaftig white women – no, not really. And if you as a guy like to feast your eyes on lots of female flesh, just go to a Rubens exhibition – you will have a ball, trust me.

The other items that especially women want bigger and bigger are diamonds in engagement rings. This is an American phenomenon. European women prefer rings with colored stones; their American sisters (thanks to the clever marketing of De Beers) want a huge rock on their left hand. The richer hubby-to-be is, the bigger the stone. The self-proclaimed American Princess aka Paris Hilton aka the Heiress is used to major bling-bling. Her fiancĂ©, also named Paris (after the Greek hero, which gives you an idea where this relationship is heading, just brush up on your Homer) bestowed some serious carats on his beloved. I’m talking about a size that you could spot from space. But a hand and finger can only support so much grams of compressed carbon daily, so Paris (the one named after the city) asked for a more manageable replacement. This teaches us all a lesson: as a woman, you can be too thin (in contrast to what the Duchess of Windsor used to proclaim) and your ring can be too big (oy, Harry Winston!)

So ladies, take my advice: go for properly fitting clothes and sport reasonable size jewelry. Go for quality, not for quantity. It makes life for you and especially your fellow citizens a lot more pleasant.

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