Saturday, November 20, 2010

Marketing Ms. Middleton

The Royal family, aka The Firm, has just launched its latest potential bestseller: Ms. Middleton, the future Queen. Poised Kate has the face that launched a thousand Tweets – to the delight of the blogsphere.

The engagement was a typical British affair – the couple sat stiffly together without any physical contact delivering well-scripted lines. Ms. M. showed the rock on her finger – a second hand bauble that once graced the finger of iconic Diana.

The son of the heir to the throne explained the sentiment behind it – so no, it is not due to the bad economy or lack of personals funds that he sprung for a new one. Personally, I would be freaked out by it. Katie made sure that her dress was the same color as the rock – the girl has style. Her outfit was a far cry from the ill-fitting suit that her fiancĂ©’s mother once wore.

The reaction of her future father-in-law was hilarious. He mumbled something along the lines of “it’s about time”. Well, he was a heck of a lot older when he reluctantly dragged himself to the altar. At least Wills didn’t inherit Chuck’s mumbling speech. TV stations had to subtitle the future king’s comments – o dear! John Cleese once set next to the Prince of Wales at dinner and desperately tried to figure out if he said “we just declared war on France” or “my mother broke her leg”.

The timing of the announcement is perfect – the economy in the dumps and the country loves nothing more than a royal fairytale wedding. Obviously, Elisabeth’s subjects are too star-struck to wondering if the bill will be footed by the government out of their paid taxes.

The engagement is kicking of mass production of memorabilia, bookies will take bets on the exact date of the marriage, en the fashion world is a buzz on what the wedding dress will look like.

I advise Middleton to hire a good lawyer to help her with the prenuptial contract that will quite likely have the size of the Gutenberg Bible. After the marriages of 3 of her 4 children disintegrated, I am sure that the Queen’s lawyers will try to protect the royal assets. (I am also pretty sure that the engagement ring must be returned if the marriage crumbles; which would make it a loan - ugh).

The royal marketing machine is in full swing. The new member must be carefully branded to ensure the future of The Firm. Middleton is no dummy and has ample business experience. She patiently (craftily?) waited years to land her prince – without putting one foot wrong for all those years.

The beta-phase of the future Princess of Wales-product already started with Kate quitting her job. Once groomed, the new and royalty will be launched and (hopefully) revitalize the House of Windsor. But careful what you wish for – I predict that Kate is another Queen Mother. But then, that’s just what the Windsors need.

(Cartoon courtesy of

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