Thursday, January 19, 2006

Job evaluation and all that

All you laborforce participants had to go through the annual ritual of your annual job evaluation talks.
Yep, the Boss calls you into his office, closes the door, and looks at you like a physician who has to tell you that you have a terminal illness.
It’s a ploy, of course. You see, by looking grim and glum, Bossy can prevent you from expecting a bonus or (gasp!) asking for a raise.

It’s a two-way street. You can also comment on my job performance,” boss-dear happily tells you. Don’t fall for it – being critical (especially when justified!) is a surefire way to be kicked out.
Just agree with how great s/he is, how much you like work, and when put on the spot, criticize something general.
(Suggestions: “there are different opinions in the company about the corporate goals and mission” or “various departments seem to have different priorities”)
No matter how good you are – don’t expect too much praise or recognition.

To pull you through this slightly painful process, I composed the following questionnaire.
You can rate your boss by answering the following 5 questions.
(I strongly suggest you do this at home and NOT on your workstation).

Your boss is:
a) intelligent b) clever, but you can outsmart him/her c) dumb as my cat

Your boss is:
a) a warm and lovely person b) OK and almost human c) a sexist pig/uptight bitch

Your boss is:
a) thinks the world of you b) give you credit for your work c) steels all you bright ideas and
pass them off as his/hers

Your boss sees him/herself as:
a) a decent human being b) superior to others c) master of the universe

Your boss sees you as:
a) a wonderful employee and person b) a good resource to be used c) a slave to be abused

If most of your answers are A:
Congratulations! You have a great job and boss, who is quite likely your spouse, lover or a family member that catapulted you into your current cushy position.
Alternatively: you lied through your teeth when answering the questions (in which case you are beyond hope and should consider a career in politics).

If most of your answers are B:
Welcome to the average work hell! You are quite likely working for the government, a financial institution or another workplace managed by zombies. Enjoy your time in your current job until you can enjoy your well(?)deserved pension.

If most of your answers are C: poor you! Your work in high-tech or (yikes)Bush/Schwarzenegger is your boss.
No matter – dig up all the dirt you can and write your memoirs once you leave your job.

And to finish this blog with a real Boss Quote:
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

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