Buzz from the beehive

The Kardashians Take Kuba (a parody)

2012-01-28T13:13:00.000-08:00

“Hi Dolls”, Ma Jenner drawled. “I got some exiting news”. Three of her offspring, slouching on the couch and checking their hair for slit ends, looked at her with a vacant look in their eyes. Accustomed to the mental powers of her first litter, she announced: “We have a new show on E!” As the Mommager, she wanted to do some damage control after Kim’s latest matrimonial disaster. The backlash had been too painful for her bank account.

“I only want to go somewhere, like, warm and sexy,” piped up K1 aka Kourtney. “And I need to get over my heartache,” added Sister Kim, still trying to master the art of crying while looking gorgeous on camera. Dressed casually, she was unsuccessfully channeling Queen Cleopatra, including gold hair jewelry. K-Mum’s third daughter stared at her parent-unit, knowing that this would not bode well for her own marriage. “Where will we shoot?” she barked, wanting to get it over with.

“It’s called “The Kardashians take Kuba!” Kris trumpeted. “Really?” Bruce Jenner said, looking up from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition he was reading (for the articles of course). “What about the travel restrictions?” As usual, his spouse of too many years ignored him.

Kim, blinking her eyes, tried to formulate a thought. “Is Kuba, like, close to Miami?” she asked not addressing anyone in particular. “Swimming distance”, deadpanned Pa Jenner. Kim threw him a vacant look and remarked: “Oh Kourt, that’s perfect! We can so, like, party and shop and bring some culture to the locals!” Jenner Père rolled his eyes; not an easy feat after his latest eye lift. He focused on his reading material again and was happy to leave it all in the moneymaking hands of his Boss-Wife. She was raking in enough money to support their Jenner/Kardashian offspring.

The good people of Cuba were not impressed at all by the dark-haired K-sisters. The island has its own beehive of beauties, more culture than the K-Klan has soaked up in their collective lives, and more appealing (and better made) clothes than those they hawk in their Dash shops.

While partying up a storm, the lack of local enthusiasm didn’t bother them one bit. The folks at home were still lapping it up, so who cared? Well, as it turned out, the Cuban government realized that the K-invasion was not exactly helpful to get into the good books of the current Administration.

Furthermore, renaming their country “Kuba” also did not go down well. But once they called the national leader “a cutie” and spelled his name “Kastro”, that’s was the end of it. They were kicked out. The images of Kourtney telling the authorities that they were behaving “in an, like, un-American way”, and that they should learn to speak English “like everybody else in Florida”, went viral.

In an official press release, the Klu Klux Klan announced that due to the Kardashians’ antics, it was now forced to officially change its name to Clu Clux Clan. Several organizations with the initials CCC have since hired Gloria Allred to sue.

(Image courtesy of Calvin Ayre)

10 Words to Use...Or To Avoid!

2012-01-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

As we all know, language is alive and thriving. New words enter our language, whether we like them (and want to use them) or not. Following are some great (and not so great) additions to our language, courtesy of the good people residing in ivory towers (aka universities).

Lake Superior State University released its 37th List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness. These include pop culture catchphrases (aka E! speak) "baby bump," "man cave" and "the new normal."

Hot on its heels, Wayne State University released its fourth list of 10 words it says deserve greater use.

"The English language has more words in its lexicon than any other," said
Jerry Herron, dean of Wayne State's Honors College. "By bringing these words
back into conversation, we expand our ability to communicate clearly and
help make our world a more interesting place." Quod erat demonstrandum.

Curious about WSU's top 10?

Antediluvian: Antiquated; old-fashioned; out of date. (Literally: "before the flood," referring to the biblical deluge. No not confuse with “après nous, le déluge)
Erstwhile: Former; bygone.
Execrable: Atrocious; wretched; abominable.
Frisson: Thanks the French language for this word meaning that sudden, involuntary shiver felt at times of great emotion.
Parlous: Dangerous or risky. It’s a variant of the Middle English word "perilous."
Penultimate: Next to last.
Sisyphean: Actually or apparently endless and futile. (After Sisyphus, who was doomed by the gods to roll a stone uphill, only to have it always roll back down).
Supercilious: Contemptuous; disdainful; condescending.
Transmogrify: To change completely, usually grotesquely, in appearance or form.
Truckle: Submit obsequiously; be subservient; kowtow.

Bevriende Talen

2012-01-19T12:54:00.001-08:00

Deze blog is geschreven door een goed vriend van mij onder het speudoniem Bart Aalbers.

Molière schreef: een mens leeft zovele levens als hij talen spreekt.

Sinds de Babylonische spraakverwarring en de telkenmale oplaaiende taalstrijd

lijkt een beknopt historisch overzicht op zijn plaats.

Mogelijk taalt de erudiete lezer hier niet naar.

Hiërogliefen hebben zich ontwikkeld tot strips en clips.

Het spijkerschrift zit al decennia letterlijk vastgeroest

De oudst bekende Europese taal is de Neander taal.

Sindsdien heeft de taal zich sterk ontwikkeld via wat er aan tafel wordt gezegd als voertaal tot de hedendaagse digitaal.

Brutus sprak de, nu dode, Latijnse brutaal, die Julius Caesar fataal werd.

Men zegt dat woorden kunnen doden en die zijn dan lethaal.

Gelukkig is het Nederlands nog vitaal.

Iemand met gevoel voor taal heeft talent,

goedpraten is onbetaalbaar en mannentaal is mentaal.

Wie er geen kaas van heeft gegeten spreekt niet de Emmer taal.

Moedertaal maakt niet moe.

Iemand met toekomst is een talend talent

Een variant op Molière is: een mens heeft zovele levens als hij vrienden heeft

Een vriend is iemand die om of aan je geeft of, voor je betaalt,

niet iemand die het je betaald zet.

Een goede vriend is onbetaalbaar.

Chuck Lorre’s Whisper Channel

2011-12-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

One of the most gifted comedy writers (an producers) is for sure Chuck Lorre. He is the brains behind The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, Mike & Molly, Dharma & Greg, Cybill, and Grace Under Fire. At the end of each episode, a vanity card appears. Each one is a treat in itself. One of my favorites is #249:

“More and more, it seems like people are yelling at me. This is especially noticeable on local and cable news, TV and radio ads, morning, afternoon and late night talk shows, religious channels, entertainment tabloid shows, and, NPR aside, radio. It's almost as if all the news anchors, reporters, product pitchmen, talk show hosts, politicians, sportscasters, DJ's and preachers have forgotten how good modern microphones are.

Regardless, the purpose of vanity cards is not just to point out the problem; it's also to propose the solution. And here's one: The Whisper Channel - a cable news channel where everyone, including advertisers, speaks in gentle, dulcet tones. Our marketing tagline will be one word, "shhh."

Instead of grinning, shouting, overly-coiffed failed actors, our news anchors will be regular folks with beautiful speaking voices who, just to be on the safe side, have been heavily sedated.

Just think of it. You've had a brutal day at work. Traffic on the way home was a righteous bitch. You crawl into your home which is worth far less than you paid for it, and, because you want to stay informed, you turn on The Whisper Channel where a pleasant-looking woman with real hair, real nose, real wrinkles, real breasts and teeth the color of teeth, soothingly tells you about the latest terrorist attack, stock market fiasco, school shooting and, just to keep it interesting, emergency recall of the anti-anxiety meds you've been taking because they might cause impotence, blindness and insanity. But because of the way she says it, you are hunky dory.

ALTERNATE MARKETING TAG LINE:

the whisper channel...
where human civilization sliding into the abyss
is nothing to shout about

Isn’t it brilliant? Just in case the idea will take off: I offer my services!

The Devil is in the Details – Giotto’s Cloud Solution

2011-11-06T00:38:00.000-07:00

The basilica in Assisi is famous as the burial place of St. Francis. It is also known for its amazing frescos depicting the life and death of St. Francis, partly painted by Giotto di Bondone (known as Giotto) in the 13th century.

The basilica was severely damaged by an earthquake in 1997. Restoration work took years under the auspice of Professor Sergio Fusetti, the chief restorer.

But it was Italian art historian Chiara Frugone who made an amazing discovery. She noticed the face of a devil hidden in the details of clouds at the top of fresco number 20. It shows a profile of a figure with a hooked nose, a sly smile, and dark horns hidden among the clouds. Although the figure is difficult to see from the floor of the basilica, it can be clearly seen up close.

According to Fusetti, Giotto probably never wanted the image of the devil to be a main part of the fresco and may have painted it in among the clouds "to have a bit of fun." Quite likely, Giotto painted this devil to get back at someone he clearly despised.

Hurray for Giotto! His cloud solution gave a new meaning to “the devil is in the details”!

Talking about Language

2011-10-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

Language is not only a part of our daily life, but also an elementary part of our culture. Even within one country or state, there are regional differences in the same language. The differences between U.S., Australian, and British English (e.g., traffic light vs. robot) are actually modest compared to differences between dialects of Spanish and German.

Idioms are figures of speech that are not be used (when literally translated) in other languages. For example, the notion of “knock it out of the ball park” makes sense in the US, but is not understood in other countries. The noun “serendipity” is also mainly used in the US, and will not be understood by non-Americans.

But information is also transferred in non-verbal communication. In some cultures, people nod to signify “yes” and shake their heads to signify “no;” in other cultures (e.g., Greece, India) this practice is different.

If we look ad neologisms, there is a language issue there as well. Neologisms are terms that have come into language relatively recently as technology or society involved. Computer technology gave birth to the term “spam” and “add-on”. But different countries use different words. A computer is called a “Rechner” in German-speaking countries. A cell phone is called a “mobiel” in Dutch and a “Handy” in German.

Slang exists within almost all languages known to man. Slang does not only vary per region, but also per social group. There are often significant generation gaps in the use of slang (e.g., groovy).

Language is alive and always evolving. It’s one of the most creative tools to express feelings or convey an idea. Every day, new expressions and concepts are being coined (e.g., 9-9-9 tax plan).

Want to know about writing? Contact me at Tip Top Writer.

Amanda Knox, Casey Anthony, who’s next to join the club?

2011-10-04T09:45:00.001-07:00

In an astounding reversal of fortune, Amanda Knox was set free by an Italian jury. She told the jury impassioned: "I did not kill, I did not rape, I was not there." Throughout her trial, she has always maintained her innocence. So now, after four years, she walked out of her Italian prison a free woman.

Was she the victim of a miscarriage of justice? Or is she a second Lindy Chamberlain (“a dingo took my baby”) or Casey Anthony?

One of the main problems is the girl herself (similar to Ms. Anthony). She was quite appropriate referred to as “[the killer] with the stone-cold eyes”. She never even flinched once during her court appearances or showed any grief for the brutal murder of her close friend and housemate Meredith Kercher.

Poor Meredith was forced to kneel, her face was pushed into the floor, and she was then raped at knife-point before being stabbed and strangled to death.

Amanda seems to be obsessed though with former boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito. To this day, Raffaele denies that she was at his house on the night of the murder (as she claimed).

Ms. Knox also repeatedly changed her story and even accused an innocent man to save her own skin.

So why was she set free? Simple - the evidence was too botched and the forensics too flawed. Does that make her innocent? Far from it! But in any democratic legal system - in dubio pro reo.

The act she put up during her last hearing was an example of great acting. She pleaded: ‘I don’t want to be deprived of my life.’ Yeah, sure, but what about poor Meredith? She for sure was cruelly deprived of her life!

Nicknamed Foxy Knoxy by the media, she will for sure hammer out a great book deal, followed by a Hollywood blockbuster. Ah well, she can always hook up with Casey Anthon y and start her own “exclusive” club of accused murderesses set free....

In the mean time, there is no justice served and the parents and relatives of Meredith have to try to come to terms with this latest Italian carriage of justice.....

The public prosecutor announced that they will appeal the latest verdict. Stay tuned....

Geert Wilders colorful language – too funny for words?

2011-09-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

You might have heard of Geert Wilders, the bad boy of Dutch politics. He made a name for himself with his 17-minute documentary Fitna (which roughly translates from Arabic as "strife"). In it, he juxtaposes the Koran with 9/11 and other atrocities. He is currently heading a political party called

Wilders is head of the popular Freedom Party. After the 2010 election, the Liberal Party has found itself relying on Wilders to support its coalition with the Christian Democrats. The Freedom Party remains outside the government and “tolerates”the current coalition. De facto: Mr. Wilders is the Puppet Master, cleverly drawing the spotlight on his party and himself (often to the confusion of foreign politicians, who assume that he is the Prime Minister).

Back in 2007, he was voted politician of the year in 2007 by the Dutch political press, partly because of his "well-timed one-liners". Wilders has a way with words which is unprecedented in Dutch politics.

During the last few days, the Dutch equivalent of the State of the Union is being discussed in Parliament. Due to the beautiful weather, not all MPs showed up, including the majority of the Green Left. Wilders pointed out that his entire caucus (24 MPs) came back from holiday to debate. He went on to state that the Green Party MPs couldn't pull themselves away from the beach and labeled them 'the beach party' for the rest of the afternoon.

Wilders also repeatedly referred to opposition Labour Party leader Job Cohen as the Prime Minister’s “corporate poodle”, stating: "Mr. Cohen runs around the prime minister’s yard, yelping and peeing on a tree, but when the prime minister arrives he jumps up in his lap." Needless to say, Cohen was Not Amused.

After opposition D66 leader Alexander Pechtold finished asking a long-worded question, Mr Wilders said "I’ll try to react to Mr Pechtold’s diarrhea."

And the story goes on.... Last Thursday, Prime Minister Mark Rutte and Wilders clashed again. At one point Wilders addressed Rutte with the historic words: ‘Behave yourself, man.’ (or “get a grip on it, man”). Rutte was upset that a member of Wilders’party implied a week before that the Turkish prime minister Recep Tavvip Erdogan as an ‘Islamic monkey’.

Wilders has a way with words. Dutch politicians are not used to this kind of debating. How did the Dutch public react? They love it! T-shirts are already available......

The Case of the Stupid Spamming Scam

2011-08-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Today I received this email. I inserted my comments in italics and brackets. I left all the grammar, spelling and style mistakes as they were....

Attn: Sir/madam:

I’M Diplomat: Jonathan Conahan (which embassy, country? Utopia or The Glorious Republic of Hackistan?),I have been trying to reach you on your telephone (You know my telephone number, but still do not address me by name in your email? Really?!) about an hour (funny, didn’t hear anything, must have my ears checked) now just to inform you about my successful arrival in London Heathrow Airport (Do I care? NO!), am now in Heathrow International Airport (good luck with the outrageous prices for coffee and mineral water there!) with your consignment boxes worth ($1.700.000.00) ONE MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSEND DOLLARS (What consignment boxes? The only box I own |(sort of) is a cat litter box!) which I has been instructed by our companying EMS DELIVERY SERVICE to delivered the consignment box to your receiving address (good luck with that – I am not located in the UK! But please contact 12 Downing Street).

The Airport authority demanded for all the legal back up document (you know I am a lawyer, right?) to prove to them that the fund is no way related with drug nor fraud money (what about terrorist funding?) , I presented the entire documents to them and they are very much pleased (really? You think they care?) with the document which I presented, but the only thing that is still keeping me here is the airport Yellow Tags which is not placed on the consignment box (so you are a stupid person; why didn’t you send it by diplomatic mail?), one of the Airport Authority has advise that I should get the Yellow Tags, to enable me exit in the airport and to make my delivery successful to your receiving address (Dear BAA, just throw his sorry ass in jail, thanks).

I try to reason with them and they stated that the Yellow Tags will cost us just $ 127 Dollars (small money for a diplomat!) only to get the Yellow Tags placed on the box, as that Yellow Tags will enable me get to your house successfully (NO, don’t come to my house!) without any interference, they scanned the box and found out that the fund is 100% spend able and accepted by any bank in the whole world (since when can they scan money for that?!) . Please try and reach me with my Telephone number +447045726759 (fat chance!). As I can not afford to spend more time here due to other delivery I have to take care in other countries (just relax, have a coffee...while dodging bullets), am with the entire document that backup your funds together with my id card (please post that one online) which I will accompany you to your bank where you will deposit your fund successfully with those document (do I look that stupid?).

I has more vital document with me but I will only present to you the hard copy when I reach your receiving place (what the f?) , as this is the diplomatic rules, such as authorization to deliver. You can direct the Yellow Tags fee to our Head Office (not your embassy?) as they are entitled to receive and make any payment to foreign countries authority (Libya, anyone?).

GET BACK TO OUR ONLINE EMAIL:
E-mail: diplomatic-agent@ddiplomatic-agent.tk (dear reader, please feel free to send all your offers, newsletters, etc. to this email)
And: info@ddiplomatic-agent.tk (tk stands for Tokelau, a territory of New Zealand located in the South Pacific)
Telephone number: +447045726759 (feel free to send them any sms you can think of).

NOTICE: EMS delivering service has been mandated by the ECOWAS parliament (ECOWAS = Economic Community Of West African States and has as such no parliament!) to deliver this consignment box worth of $1.7million dollars in your favor this fiscal year 2011, because of the impostors your fund has been converted to cash fund authorized and sealed by the ECOWAS parliament.

I am waiting to receive your respond to enable me update you our receiver information where you will forward the payment information of$127 us dollars (please hold your breath!) , in order to enable us obtain your Yellow Tags for immediately released of your consignment and for onward delivering to your receiving address.

BEST REGARDS EMS DIPLOMATIC
Diplomat: Jonathan Conahan.

This phisher (or pisher in Yiddish!) send previous mails claiming:

“my name is Mr. Jonathan Conahan and am a citizen of Libya”

He also sends emails stating being Mr. Jonathan Conahan
For the management of bank of Africa, Cotonou, Benin.
Tel:+229-66543123.

“Jonathan Conahan” is obviously a cover for a gang of cybercrooks, may be even cyberterrorists! Let’s hope the Feds will get hold of them....soon! Or are there Cyber SEALS that could do the job?

You Have the Right to....a Lesson from Monty Python

2011-08-12T04:03:00.000-07:00

REG:
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
STAN:
Or woman.
REG:
Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
STAN:
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS:
Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN:
I want to be one.
REG:
What?
STAN:
I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
REG:
What?!
LORETTA:
It's my right as a man.
JUDITH:
Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA:
I want to have babies.
REG:
You want to have babies?!
LORETTA:
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG:
But... you can't have babies.
LORETTA:
Don't you oppress me.
REG:
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA:
[crying]
JUDITH:
Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans, but that he can have the right to have babies.
FRANCIS:
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
REG:
What's the point?
FRANCIS:
What?
REG:
What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
FRANCIS:
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG:
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
[trumpets]
[clap clap clap]

-- Monty Python's Life of Brian

11 Tips on Getting More Efficiency out of Women Employees (‘40s style)

2011-07-27T03:08:00.001-07:00

The text below is an actual article in the magazine Mass Transportation published in 1943. As checked with Snopes, it is real and here is the cover. (To see the story in full, go to Snopes.com)

If you think attitude towards women in Mad Men is bad, just read these golden tips...

1. Pick young married women

They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. The still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

Really? Married women don’t flirt? Or *gasp* are unfaithful? How naive!

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives

Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

OK, so old (over 30?) women are considered to be witches... How can they not have had contact with “the public”? Did they live on Mars?

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters

Bring in the chocolate, bagels, and muffins for snacks and let’s have pizza for lunch! Stay off the diet soft drinks! Christy Alley – you’re hired!

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination. (one covering female conditions)

This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

Are the worried about PMS and menopause? News flash: all my male bosses were moody....and had mood swings!

5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time

The fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

Did they preach the same to male employees?!

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties

(so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes). Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

OK, I get it, women can not think for themselves. Do you agree Marie Curie? Angela Merkel? Hillary Clinton?

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day.

Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

I just don’t get this point. Isn’t it rather inefficient to have employees change jobs every day? Time for a McKinsey audit!

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day

You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

Mmm, so male employees can work non-stop because they don’t need to wash their hands – heck, who cares about infections? Guys obviously can run around with untidy hair and ALL women were lipstick!

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms

Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

Please, go on verbally abusing male employees......they can take it, the insensitive brutes!

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women

Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

How insightful! So it is OK for husbands and fathers to curse? What if they work at the same place as their wives/daughters?

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit.

This point cannot be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

Bring in Armani! I want my uniform tailor-made!

Will You Follow? - lovely lyrics by David Gutmann

2011-07-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy the following lyrics by David Gutmann...

I bet that your life hits high and low.
Sometimes against, sometimes with the flow…
Wrong people and timing – who is to blame?
Are we in charge of keeping the Flame?

Joy and despair, going hand in hand…
Light is obscured – when is the End?
Fallen form Heavens, full of disgrace…
Are we the Angels or Demons in craze?

And yet, in the Sky, if you look and feel –
Answers are given for you to fulfill.
Shown the Way for you with no sorrow…
It’s up to you my Love. Will you follow?

I bet that you guess: “Something ain’t right!
Why am I here? What is my Fight?”
Divining the Future – should you try?
Results are dull often and you cry…

For lack of Love. Is it forever?
For missing the Chance. Had you ever?
For promising Dreams, that didn’t come true.
For broken Spirit, will it live through?

And yet, in the Sky, if you look and feel –
Answers are given for you to fulfill.
Shown the Way for you with no sorrow…
It’s up to you my Friend. Will you follow?

© 2005 by David Gutmann

A Tale of Two Super 8 Stories

2011-06-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

Mark V. Moorhead wrote his first novel about ten years ago. It was called Super Eight Days, and it was about a group of teenagers in small-town Pennsylvania in the late ‘70s making their own scary pictures with a Super 8mm movie camera.

After finishing it, Moorhead didn’t do anything with it for several years. Once in a while he would reread a few chapters, and toyed with the idea to turn it into a screenplay.

It was only earlier this year that he learned about J.J. Abrams film Super 8. The flick (produced by Steven Spielberg and directed by J.J. Abrams) tells the story of a group of teenagers in small-town Ohio in the late ‘70s making their own scary pictures with a Super 8mm movie camera.

Moorhead is the first to point out that similarities end there. The movie is a sci-fi thriller (teenagers vs. aliens); the novel is a coming-of-age story.

But Moorhead did something clever – he published his novel as an e-book on Amazon Kindle for a list price of 99 cents ($2.99 international). As he points out: “less than even a matinee ticket to J.J.’s Super 8”.

Slow Dance (Poem)

2011-06-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say 'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last...

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Terrorism alert satire attributed to John Cleese

2011-06-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the

blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

The flexible epaper phone (PaperPhone) - the future?

2011-05-09T02:02:00.000-07:00

Researches have developed the world's first flexible smartphone that could change our life forever.

The PaperPhone is flexible and can be controlled by being bent, written on or used as a touchscreen. Researchers from Queen’s University in Kingston, Canada, Arizona State University, USA, researchers from the E-Ink Corporation determined how people use a flexible device. They built the PaperPhone as the smartphone and tablet of the future.

According to Dr. Roel Vertegaal (director of the human media lab at Queen’s): “This is the future. Everything is going to look and feel like this within five years. This computer looks, feels and operates like a small sheet of interactive paper.”

The PaperPhone uses the same e-Ink technology found in the Amazon Kindle e-reader. The PaperPhone has the same functionality as current Smart Phones: making phone calls, reading ebooks, and play music.

The researchers predict that the technology will spell the end of paper and printers. They foresee a paperless office where everything can be stored digitally and people can stack these new computers on top of each other like sheets of paper.

The Flipback Book – the latest book format from Holland goes international

2011-04-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

In September 2009, Hugo van Woerden, CEO of the Christian printing house Jongbloed, introduced a new book format at the Manuscripta exhibition. It quickly became all the rage in Holland, where it since sold 1m copies

The format is a "flipback" (in Dutch “Dwarsligger” which has wonderful double meaning – just asl your Dutch friend or drop me a line).

The flipback is a sideways-bound book with a lie-flat binding. It is printed on onionskin (think bible pages) and it size easily makes it fit in a shirt. Most importantly, it is optimized for easy one-handed reading, which makes for perfect reading during rush hour.

After successfully conquering the Netherlands, Flipback is going European. The Spanish publisher Ediciones B is launching the Flipback in Spain under the brandname Librinos.
France will be next, and the flipback will reach UK shores in June 2011 when Hodder & Stoughton will launch a selection of 12 books with a price tag of £9.99. Titles will include David Mitchell's Cloud Atlas and Stephen King's Misery.

It seems that readers take to this new format. So will it be an addition to the current formats or a threat to e-books? Time will tell, especially once the flipback book format conquers the US.

Cool book report - author unknown

2011-03-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report. S/he pointed out that they were nearly identical stories. The teacher allegedly gave the pupil an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton: Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a ???? artist.

Titanic:In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:.During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Pecunia non imprimit

2010-12-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

Remember when officials with the Treasury and the Federal Reserve touted the new dollar bills' sophisticated security features? They include a 3-D security strip and a color-shifting image of a bell, designed to foil counterfeiters. Amazing, non?

But lo and behold! At a time that the US government needs to responds to a economic downturn in a troublesome financial era, there has been a major hiccup. The new money is so high-tech that the presses can't handle the printing job.

Due to a problem with the presses, the federal government had to shut down production of the new $100 bills. It also had to quarantine more than 1 billion of those bills in a vault in Fort Worth, Texas. This amounts to $110 billion more or more than 10 percent of all existing U.S. cash (which is estimated at $930 billion).

"There is something drastically wrong here," one source told CNBC. "The frustration level is off the charts."

Up till now, more 1 billion unusable bills have been printed incorrectly. Some of the bills creased during production which created a blank space on the paper. Since correctly printed bills are mixed in with the flawed ones, it’s hard to sort the good from the bad. By hand, it would take between 20 to 30 years to weed out the faulty ones. Needless to say, the federal government is looking for a mechanized system to get the job done.

In case you wonder, the printing job itself cost around $120 million. It will (literally) go up in flames.

The moral of the story? It takes money to burn money....

89-year old man returns library book after 76 years

2010-12-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

Mark McKee kept his favorite library book for 76 years. before he finally plucked up the courage to send it back to the library. He also sent a letter along with it, in which he wrote: “My conscience took over. I was entranced by the book and kept it with my prized possessions, intending to return it forthwith.”

Mr. McKee borrowed “A Dog of Flanders” written by English author Marie Louise de la Ramee, when he was 13 years old from the public library in Mount Clemens, MI. When he sent back the book, he was convinced that he owed the library thousands of dollars in fines.

But the library director, Donald Worrell Jr., not only waived the late fee, but also sent Mr. McKee a new copy of the book stating “we figure the story is better than the money”.
This is certainly true – the story went viral after being picked up by the local media, giving the library a nice PR boost.

In case you wonder what captivated young master McKee for so many years, read on.

The story of “A Dog of Flanders” takes place in 19th century Belgium. Orphan Nello went to live with his grandfather in a small village near the city of Antwerp. One day, the boy found a dog (Patrasche) that was almost beaten to death. The two became close friends. Nello helped his grandfather selling milk with Patrasche shackled to a dogcart to get the milk into town each morning. Nello fell in love with Aloise, the daughter of a well-off man in the village. Nello entered a junior drawing contest in Antwerp in order to win first prize (200 francs annually). He lost and then his grandfather passed away. After being accused of arson, Nello went to the cathedral of Antwerp to see Rubens' The Elevation of the Cross, but he could not pay the entrance fee. On the night of Christmas Eve, he and Patrasche found the cathedral open and went in. The next morning, the boy and his dog are found frozen to death in front of the triptych.

Marketing Ms. Middleton

2010-11-20T03:57:00.000-08:00

The Royal family, aka The Firm, has just launched its latest potential bestseller: Ms. Middleton, the future Queen. Poised Kate has the face that launched a thousand Tweets – to the delight of the blogsphere.

The engagement was a typical British affair – the couple sat stiffly together without any physical contact delivering well-scripted lines. Ms. M. showed the rock on her finger – a second hand bauble that once graced the finger of iconic Diana.

The son of the heir to the throne explained the sentiment behind it – so no, it is not due to the bad economy or lack of personals funds that he sprung for a new one. Personally, I would be freaked out by it. Katie made sure that her dress was the same color as the rock – the girl has style. Her outfit was a far cry from the ill-fitting suit that her fiancé’s mother once wore.

The reaction of her future father-in-law was hilarious. He mumbled something along the lines of “it’s about time”. Well, he was a heck of a lot older when he reluctantly dragged himself to the altar. At least Wills didn’t inherit Chuck’s mumbling speech. TV stations had to subtitle the future king’s comments – o dear! John Cleese once set next to the Prince of Wales at dinner and desperately tried to figure out if he said “we just declared war on France” or “my mother broke her leg”.

The timing of the announcement is perfect – the economy in the dumps and the country loves nothing more than a royal fairytale wedding. Obviously, Elisabeth’s subjects are too star-struck to wondering if the bill will be footed by the government out of their paid taxes.

The engagement is kicking of mass production of memorabilia, bookies will take bets on the exact date of the marriage, en the fashion world is a buzz on what the wedding dress will look like.

I advise Middleton to hire a good lawyer to help her with the prenuptial contract that will quite likely have the size of the Gutenberg Bible. After the marriages of 3 of her 4 children disintegrated, I am sure that the Queen’s lawyers will try to protect the royal assets. (I am also pretty sure that the engagement ring must be returned if the marriage crumbles; which would make it a loan - ugh).

The royal marketing machine is in full swing. The new member must be carefully branded to ensure the future of The Firm. Middleton is no dummy and has ample business experience. She patiently (craftily?) waited years to land her prince – without putting one foot wrong for all those years.

The beta-phase of the future Princess of Wales-product already started with Kate quitting her job. Once groomed, the new and royalty will be launched and (hopefully) revitalize the House of Windsor. But careful what you wish for – I predict that Kate is another Queen Mother. But then, that’s just what the Windsors need.

(Cartoon courtesy of www.cleveland.com)

Paris Which Sleeps - amazing movie!

2010-11-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

The other night, I watched “Paris Qui Dort” (literally “Paris Which Sleeps”, also known as “At 3:25” and “The Crazy Ray”). It is a 1925 French Sci-fi comedy short directed by René Clair.

The film is about a mad doctor who uses a magic ray on citizens which causes them to freeze in strange and often embarrassing positions. People who are unaffected by the ray begin to loot Paris. It provides a wonderful insight into daily life in the 1920s: air travel (way before 9/11), restaurants, cars, apartments, etc.

The plot reminded me of “FlashForward”, a great Sci-Fi series that never made it to the 2^nd season (much to my chagrin). Funny how ideas resurface 80+ years later.....How will generations to come look at StarTrek, Babylon 5, and the like? Quirky like the Lucy Show? Or as a classic like Casablanca? Time will tell....

The Curious Case of Charlie Chaplin's Time Traveler

2010-11-04T03:07:00.000-07:00

George Clarke, a film festival organizer in Belfast, claimed to found proof that time travel is possible. He discovered that a woman in the Charlie Chaplin movie “The Circus” (1928) seems to be talking on a cell phone.

The woman is passing in front of the camera holding her hand to the side of her face while talkin - similar to the way we talk into our cell phones. He therefore came to the conclusion that the woman is a time traveler. More sensible people came to a different conclusion: the woman is using her hearing aid (invented by Siemens in 1924).

It’s quite easy to understand why the woman cannot be a time traveler:

If she would be a bona fide time traveler, she would not be in a Charlie Chaplin movie using a high-tech device. The idea is to remain incognito.
Considering that you need cells and masts to get cell phone coverage - how was she able to get a connection? Or was she talking to the Indian helpdesk of Verizon?
More intriguingly, with whom did she talk? “Hi, it’s your Mum. I am an extra in a Charlie Chaplin movie. Don’t forget to brush your teeth before going to sleep.”

Well, unless you are traveling with Doctor Who in the Tardis, you cannot talk on you cell across time (or space).

Mr. Clarke and his "theory" did create a viral storm on Internet, so at least he had his nanosecond of fame. Not bad for an unknown filmmaker....

Jane Austen was not the elegant writer we thought she was….

2010-10-26T08:11:00.000-07:00

Jane Austin (1775-1817) is renowned for her precise, exquisite prose. She completed six novels in her lifetime, two (Northanger Abbey and Persuasion) of which were published posthumously. She is widely celebrated as a supreme stylist - a writer of perfectly polished sentences. According to Austen's brother Henry: "everything came finished from her pen."

But according to research from Oxford University English professor Kathryn Sutherland, this seems to be a myth. Professor Sutherland, an Austen authority, studied Austin’s unpublished manuscripts that gave her "a more intimate appreciation" of the author's talents.

The manuscripts reveal that Austen was an experimental and innovative writer, constantly trying new things. But the 1,100 handwritten pages of unpublished work also show that she broke most of the rules for writing good English. "In particular, the high degree of polished punctuation and epigrammatic style we see in 'Emma' and 'Persuasion' is simply not there," Sutherland said.

Letters from Austen's publisher reveal that editor William Gifford was heavily involved in editing Austen’s work.

Gifford was a poet and critic in his own right. He worked for Austen’s second publisher, John Murray. Gifford did not edit earlier books such as "Sense and Sensibility" and "Pride and Prejudice," that are much closer to Austen's manuscript style.

Jane Austen was obviously not great at spelling or correct use of punctuation. One of her grammatical errors was the inability to master the ‘i before e’ rule and her works were littered with distant ‘veiws’ and characters who ‘recieve’ guests. She also wrote in a ‘regional accent’: ‘tomatoes’ as ‘tomatas’ and ‘arraroot’ for ‘arrowroot’.

Austen's handwritten manuscripts can be found at http://www.janeausten.ac.uk.

The reality star that snagged a book deal

2010-10-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

Many writers are struggling to get their novel published. Especially landing a deal with one of the major publishers is not easy – unless you are a uncouth reality starlet.

“Jersey Shore” is one of the many reality shows of the “watching train wreck” variety. One of its starlets is a short, chubby, troll-like creature that goes by the nickname “Snooki”. The snookster admitted that she only read two books in her whole life: Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" and Nicholas Sparks' "Dear John."

(Don’t let the picture fool you, it’s unlikely she is really reading "The 48 Laws of Power")

This poses the question what she was at school when the teacher introduced the class to American literature. (Pity Mark Twain is not around to comment) .

Simon and Schuster's Gallery Books is going to publish her work of fiction “A Shore Thing”. Well, that’s good news for her ghost writer/editor – they have their work cut out. According to a press release, the book will revolve around “a girl looking for love on the boardwalk (one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore).” Yawn.

Miss Snooki is not the first reality celeb to pen a book. Lauren Conrad appeared "The Hills" and "Laguna Beach", who penned two successful novels that made it to the New York Times Best-Sellers list.

The Snook-novel will hit stores in January 2011. The intriguing question: who will buy and read it? How many bookworms watch reality shows? My prediction? It will end up heavily discounted at Costco.

O tempora! O mores!

France and the rise of the e-book

2010-09-25T08:17:00.001-07:00

France has an interesting law that bars heavy discounting on books. The law passed in 1981, and prohibits the sale of books for less than 5% below the cover price. A publisher typically offers bookstores a profit margin of between 30% and 40%. The idea behind it is that shops will be able to compete with large chains. Booksellers now hope that it will also protect them from a new threat: the electronic book.

In the US, independent bookstores and small publishers are subjected to the market forces. The UK is the only large European economy that allows retailers to discount books freely, according to the Federation of European Publishers.

"France has long believed that a book is not just business," said lawmaker Hervé Gaymard, who has published research on France's fixed book prices. "It's a cultural identity."

But small French book businesses fear a repeat of the price war that erupted when e-books arrived in the U.S. for reading on computers, e-readers like Amazon's Kindle and, eventually, tablets like Apple's iPad. Trying to compete with e-books, big retailers like Wal-Mart and Target allowed shoppers to buy printed books at steep discounts. Prices at smaller bookstores, already struggling against big chains, were massively undercut. Publishers, meanwhile, worried that the low prices undervalued their books.

French Senator Jacques Legendre has proposed a new law that would allow publishers to set the retail price of e-books. His bill will be debated in Parliament next month. It will face criticism, since it’s difficult to determine what regulations apply to e-books. France's competition authority therefore recommends waiting two years to see how the market for e-books will evolve before implementing any laws.

E-books are fastest growing, but are still only less than 1% of the $2.2 billion book market in France (according to French Booksellers Union). Electronic readers are also not heavily promoted yet.

Hachette Livre, France's biggest publishing house, supports Mr. Legendre's proposed law - quite likely in an effort to have control of the pricing of their books and keeping a vast network of bookstores in operation is in their interest. Hachette Livre, a unit of Lagardère SCA, recently signed a deal to sell about 8,000 French books through Apple's store for e-books. Amazon doesn't yet sell French e-books.

French lawmaker Mr. Gaymard is proposing another law that would reduce the value-added tax on e-books. France currently taxes e-books at 19.6%, like most other consumer products, while printed works are taxed 5.5%. This proposal would partly offset the effects of Mr. Legendre's anti-discounting law.

Booksellers are afraid that an anti-discounting law isn't going to save them. Some independent bookstores are banding together to create their own website, 1001Libraires.com, which is scheduled to start selling printed books and e-books at the end of next month.

No matter what, France will have to face the rise of the e-book.

Paris Hilton’s legal pickle becomes a public relations disaster

2010-09-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

It all started when Paris Hilton’s black Cadillac Escalade was stopped by a motorcycle cop due to what the cop said was a strong marijuana smell.

The driver of the car was Paris Hilton's (now ex-)boyfriend Cy Waits. Paris left the scene (not a smart move), leaving behind a Chanel purse that held cocaine, turning it into a felony possession and fled to the Wynn Resort where she was arrested.

When the heiress was waiting in the Wynn Hotel security holding room for a female officer to arrive to take her to the bathroom, she said that she needed to put some lip balm on.

The officer handed her the purse from the table. As she began to open it, the officer saw a small bundle of what he believed to be cocaine in a clear baggy begin to fall from the purse and into his hand. The officer then took the purse away from Hilton and waited for backup to arrive before searching it with another officer as a witness.

After discovering the cocaine, the officer placed Hilton under arrest. Following her arrest, the officer claimed Hilton told him the purse was not hers and "she had borrowed it from a friend."
But our Paris had posted a picture of the very similar bag on Twitter, happily tweeting, "Love My New Chanel Purse I Got Today :)." Oops!

Furthermore, when asked about the cocaine, Party Barbie told LVMPD finest in a sublime dumb blond moment, that she thought the cocaine that they had found was "gum."

The Wynn was not amused and has distanced itself from the clueless heiress. Wynn spokeswoman Jennifer Dunne told the Associated Press that Hilton (handbag included) and her boyfriends are banned from entering or staying at the Wynn Resort Hotels in Las Vegas. Paris' then-boyfriend, Cy Waits has been "separated" (nice word for being fired on the spot) from his job as managing partner of the Tryst Nightclub at Wynn and XS The Nightclub at Encore.

Quite correctly so - Waits worked as a nightclub executive and Nevada gaming license requirements are very strict on the presence of drugs with casino honchos.

Party girl Paris will always have a roof over her hair weaved-head in Sin City - Las Vegas Hilton spokesman Ken Ciancimino told People: "She has been a guest here many, many times and we would always welcome her back. The history between Paris and this property is long, indeed... we here at the Hilton certainly wish Paris the best and hope that she gets through any and all of her difficult times."

She could face up to four years in a Nevada prison if convicted of the felony charge of possessing 0.8 grams of "powder cocaine", providing prosecutors can prove that it was Hilton's purse and that the marijuana smell came from her vehicle. If not, she would be sentenced to a diversion program.

No matter how it will work out for Ms. H, her pay-to-party days in Las Vegas are over. In Nevada, liquor licenses are closely watched by gambling regulators. Recently, the Gaming Control Board shut down a Las Vegas nightclub because of several infractions, including drugs allegedly being used on the premises.

In the case of P.H., what happens in Las Vegas, stays in cyberspace….

(image courtesy of lastreetsblog)

Marrying up and cheating down

2010-05-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

According to a Pew Foundation report, more women today are marrying men with less education and less income than they themselves have. The New York Times article on the Pew report reads like a trend piece, which is quite disappointing. The women's blog Jezebel also found the article same old-same old "the single, high earning professional female who can't find a man."

But ladies, be careful what you wish for – men who marry up have a tendency to cheat down. Just look at Tiger Woods, who married a Swedish model and cheated with a slew of quite unattractive women who you can not take home to meet Mom. The most outspoken one of the gaggle, Joslyn James aka Veronica Siwik-Daniels is an adult movie actress.

And then there is Jesse James who shares his name with a famous outlaw and his body with a weird chick. This bike builder married up when he got hitched with Sandra Bullock. His paramour is a heavily tattooed stripper, who happily announced that she conducted the affair out of boredom. Funny, most of us read, watch TV, rent a movie or phone a friend when we are bored (or write a blog!). But then, what can one expect from a person that poses in Nazi gear and has the initials WP (White Power) tattooed on the back of the legs. Well, it fits in nicely with JJ’s own pic as shown on the cover of Us Weekly. BTW, whoever dubbed that chick “bombshell” McGee needs glasses (and better taste in women)

The trend of cheating down is not limited to the US only. In Sweden, Princess Madeleine (not exactly an eyesore) was cheated on by her lawyer fiancé Jonas Bergstrom. His one-night stand was an average looking student who obviously needs to visit her dentist for some serious dental work.

To complete the circle, let’s look at David Boreanaz of “Angel” and “Bones” fame. He is married to Playboy model Jaime Bergman for almost nine years and the couple has two kids. His mistresses included Rachel Uchitel, who also bedded Tiger Woods. Ah, the mind boggles!

Personally, I don’t get it. If these guys want to cheat, go to Las Vegas. We all know that what happens in Las Vegas, stays in Las Vegas. The easiest and honorable way, of course, is to stay faithful.

But in all this mess, one person is laughing all the way to the bank - Gloria Allred, who represents several mistresses of Woods and Boreanaz. Mmm, I obviously chose the wrong specialty in law school……

Salinger 'Catcher' Case Returned to Federal Judge by US Appeals Court

2010-05-01T05:48:00.000-07:00

J.D. Salinger published “Catcher in the Rye” in 1951. The coming-of-age novel was on the New York Times' best-seller list for more than seven months and has sold more than 35 million copies. Salinger, who died in January at 91, hadn't published since 1965.

Author Fredrik Colting penned under the name John David California the novel “60 Years Later: Coming Through the Rye”. It was published last year in England by Windupbird Publishing Ltd.

In July 2009, U.S. District Judge Deborah Batts blocked Colting and is publisher from publishing the novel. The injunction prevented the book's scheduled U.S. release in September 2009, court papers state.

The plaintiffs in the case are Colleen Salinger, the author's widow, and Matthew Salinger, his son. Salinger claimed in the suit that there are "extensive similarities" between "Catcher" and "60 Years Later." Colting's novel features a 76-year-old character similar to Holden Caulfield, the fictional narrator of "Catcher," who meets the 90-year-old author who created him, according to court papers. He "never authorized any new narrative involving Holden or any work derivative of 'Catcher,'" according to court filings.

In appeal, a U.S. appeals court panel ordered federal judge Batts to revisit the legal basis for her decision. Sending the case back to her, the judges said the U.S. Supreme Court's decision in EBay Inc.'s patent-infringement case against MercExchange LLC was the standard to be used.

The court in the Ebay case ruled, that a plaintiff had to show the likelihood of irreparable harm to get an injunction, not just the probability of succeeding on the question of infringement.

"Although we conclude that the district court properly determined that Salinger has a likelihood of success on the merits, we vacate the district court's order," Judges Guido Calabresi, Jose Alberto Cabranes and Peter Hall said in a filing in the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan. "EBay applies with equal force to preliminary injunctions that are issued for alleged copyright infringement," the court said.

Salinger’s lawyer, Marcia Beth Paul of Davis Wright Tremaine LLP, reacted by stating: “We are heartened that the appellate court agrees that Mr. Salinger's literary trust is likely to prevail on the merits of his claim and that this book infringes his copyright. The damage that will be caused by publication of this unauthorized sequel cannot be made whole by money.”

Edward Rosenthal of Frankfurt Kurnit Klein & Selz PC, representing Colting, said that he is confident that when the district court applies the legal standard required by the appeals court, the book will be permitted to be published.

The appeals case is Salinger v. Colting, Windupbird Publishing Ltd., 09-2878, 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals (Manhattan).

The lower-court case is Salinger v. Colting, 09- 5095, U.S. District Court, Southern District of New York (Manhattan).

The front fell off – the viral power of satire

2010-03-31T23:10:00.000-07:00

My friend Sandra of ITPR sent me a hilarious clip of an Australian “Saturday Night Live” like Australian show. The clip is remarkable in various ways. For one, it’s brilliant, resembling Monty Python sketches. For another, it shows the worldwide exposure a clip gets once it goes viral.

The sketch is a mock interview between comedians John Clarke and Bryan Dawe.
It concerns an off-shore oil spill in 1991, when the Greek tanker Kirki lost its bow off the coast of Western Australia (WA). During the incident and the subsequent tow of the tanker to a safe haven some 17,280 tons of light crude oil was lost.

Clarke portrays Minister for Shipping Bob Collins, and makes repeated references to the ship whose "front fell off."

The sad thing is, that due to the way politicians worldwide handle crises like these, many thought that it was the real deal.

Still, there are some lessons we can learn from this interview.

Tankers are not made from cardboard, paper or rubber, and are not held together with string or Sellotape. No news if duct tape could do the trick though or some serious stapling.
There is something called “beyond the environment”. Before you pooh-pooh this, it’s a clever legal concept. Just think about it: how can you be liable or being sued if you operate in the fifth dimension? Just boldly go where no Greenpeace ship has gone before, I say!
For all you environmental warriors: “ocean+fish+birds” does not equal “environment” when crude oil is added. Therefore, no protection is needed; just ask Sarah Palin if you don’t believe me. Hurray for off-shore drilling!
A tanker has a crew of at least one person. If such a crew is French, this person will be a chef, and when Greek, he will be obviously clueless (re. Kirki).
There is chance of 1 in a million that a wave hits a ship at sea. That must reassure all you landlubbers!

The Bling Ring Gang - rich brats gone bad

2010-02-08T02:11:00.000-08:00

It reads like a Scott Fitzgerald novella – the antics of the Bling Ring Gang.

A group of teenagers has been burglarizing the homes of Hollywood celebrities. Victims included Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Bilson, Audrina Patridge, and Orlando Bloom. The loot included more than $3 million in designer clothing and jewelry, including shoes, handbags, makeup, perfume, and underwear from designer labels Chanel, Gucci, Tiffany, Cartier, Prada, Marc Jacobs, Dolce & Gabbana, Burberry, and Yves Saint Laurent.

They made sure that their victims were not at home, using information from celebrity websites such as TMZ. The exact locations of the stars’ homes were found on Google Maps and celebrityaddressaerial.com.

They were caught in November 2009 after CCTV footage from a break-in at Lindsay Lohan's home was made public. Police followed up on received information from someone who said she overheard Lee and Prugo bragging of their exploits at a party. Cops then used Facebook to ascertain that Lee and Prugo were indeed “friends” with each other. Hurray for social networks!

Their first victim was socialite Paris Hilton – according to gang member Nick Prugo because they considered her 'dumb'. They found that she left the front door key of her 7,000sq ft Hollywood Hills home under a doormat, so it seems that they were right on the money. Hilton didn't realize she had been robbed until two months later when another raid on the house netted the thieves close to $2 million worth of jewelry and other valuables stuffed in one of her Louis Vuitton tote bags.

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Prugo also claimed that they found five grams of cocaine in the house which they also took. (Dawn Miller, a spokesperson for Paris Hilton promptly denied there were drugs in her home, stating “I don't know why anyone would listen to allegations made by a self-confessed thief.”)

According to prosecutors in Los Angeles, the gang was obsessed with the celebrities. Some of the stolen items were sold for cash, while other items were kept as trophies. Prugo blamed peer pressure for the raids during his appearance on U.S. TV show Good Morning America. The bad kid on the affluent block went on saying: 'There was a definite thrill to it. I don't think any of us realized how severe it was until we actually got caught. It didn't seem as bad as it was. Now that I look back I realize how serious it was. Looking back, it scares me to death.'

Mmmm, I think pretty boy realized what prison would do to him (if you get my drift).

Prugo is facing up to six years in jail on each of the burglary charges. He apologized to his victims while denying the charges. Obviously, the kid is no legal eagle in the making.

But in a delicious “cherchez la femme” twist, it seems that 18-year old Rachel Lee was the brains behind the heists, being obsessed with the fashion of the celebrities and wanting to wear what they wore. Other gang members were Courtney Ames and Alexis Neiers, both 18, Diana Tamayo, 19, and Roy Lopez Jr, a 27-year old nightclub bouncer. Their “fence” was Jonathan Ajar a.k.a. “Johnny Dangerous,” a thuggish ex-con and promoter at Les Deux who would allegedly get Prugo and his under-age friends into the club. The cast of characters couldn’t be more colorful. Courtney Ames is the girlfriend of Ajar. Her stepfather is famed welterweight Randy Shields. Alexis Neiers has her own reality show on E! entertainment. Diana Tamayo is an illegal Mexican immigrant as well as president of the class of 2008 at Indian Hills High School in Agoura Hills, California.

What made those rich brats turn to crime? Boredom? Since Scott Fitzgerald is not around to use them as inspiration, I am pretty sure that several TV movies will be made. Hopefully Ms. Neiers will serve some serious time and will not be able to act in one. Let's hope that being white and rich doesn't translate into a slap on the wrist. With prisons being overpopulated, these crime junkies will quite likely only spend a few months in jail....

PETA is at it again

2010-01-22T05:46:00.000-08:00

PETA is not high on my list of favorites – I do not appreciate any individual or organization that enforces its principles by damaging or destroying property, persons and reputations. PETA, which does not stand for "People Eating Tasty Animals", used Mrs. Obama’s image in a new ad. PETA states that the first lady has committed to not wearing fur and "the world should know that in PETA's eyes that makes her pretty fabulous." The anti-fur poster features an image of the U.S. First Lady along with presenter Oprah Winfrey, singer Carrie Underwood and supermodel Tyra Banks, under the slogan 'fur-free and fabulous!' They used Mrs. Obama’s image from her first official White House portrait, taken in February last year.

Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA, confirmed that PETA had not asked for Mrs. Obama's permission to use the portrait, since they knew the First Lady could not officially endorse an anti-fur campaign advert. PETA also insisted, that they used her image in its Washington advertising campaign based on White House confirmation that she does not wear fur. The new adverts featuring Mrs. Obama appeared in Washington's Metro stations, magazines and PETA's website.

PETA, so concerned with our furry friends, doesn’t care about infringing on copyright, using all images without permission.In the ad, Tyra Banks looks like the love child of a Bratz doll and a dolphin. Her armpit shot is unflattering to say the least. Since Tyra is known to be “fierce” and her voodoo dolls obviously work (considering Oprah quitting the TV host scene), I would be worried as a PETA employee/associate/member…..very worried!

You would think that PETA would contribute to the disaster that hit Haiti – if not for the poor people (going from being slaves, to being French, to becoming the latest victims of a devastating nature disaster – how cruel can life be?), at least of the wild life of the island. But no…PETA keeps quiet as a mouse, apart from awarding Cameron a certificate for Avatar (go figure!)

Maybe PETA should realize that humans are mammals too…

Google's Chinese Troubles

2010-01-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

Google finds itself in hot water again – this time from a Chinese novelist. Mian Mian, a counterculture writer known for her lurid tales of sex, drugs and nightlife, has filed a lawsuit against Google for scanning her latest novel "Acid House" without permission and putting it in its online library. Mian Mian is quite a colorful character. Based in Shanghai, she shot to fame in 2000 when she published the novel "Candy," which caused a stir with its graphic depiction of heroin use. Most of her work is banned in China, though pirated copies are widely available. “Candy” is translated into English and widely available for purchase online.

At the court session, which consisted of a two-hour hearing, a Beijing judge told the two sides to hold talks on a settlement. Mian Mian is seeking damages of 61,000 yuan ($8,950) and a public apology.

A Google spokeswoman in Beijing, Marsha Wang, said the company removed Mian Mian's works from its library as soon as it learned of the lawsuit, adding that Google had no further comment on the suit or Tuesday's hearing. She added that Mian Mian's lawsuit was the first that she knew of in China over the scanning plan. Since Google removed Mian Mian's works, she sees the matter as closes.

Mian Mian’s lawyer stated that a negotiated settlement was a possibility and the court set no deadline, adding: "we think even if they remove Mian Mian's work, their previous behavior is a violation of her rights. We demand a public apology."

This is the latest snag in Google's efforts to crate an online library, where printed works are available online. Previously, Google was under attack from writers in the United States and Europe (among others). Google reportedly has already scanned more than 10 million books, many of them still under copyright. Google negotiated a $125 million settlement last year with American authors and publishers, and it trying to avoid potential copyright infringement in Europe by only books scanning books over 150 years old. The European Commission said in October 2009 that it might change copyright law to make it easier for companies such as Google to scan books and distribute copies over the Internet.

In China, the China Written Works Copyright Society (a government-affiliated group) is taking on Google and negotiating compensation for Chinese authors whose work is scanned into its library. Mian Mian however, doesn have any connection to the Chinese writers' group. Commenting on Mian Mian's lawsuit, the group called on Chinese writers to band together to negotiate terms with Google instead of suing. It said it is due to hold settlement talks with the company in January. According to the group, Google has scanned more than 80,000 works by Chinese authors into the library.

It will be interesting to see how the Google’s Chinese troubles will pan out….

About vooks, digi-novels and hybrid books

2009-12-22T22:55:00.000-08:00

You must have heard of it - the vook is here. A vook (video + book), also known as a digi-novel, combines videos with electronic text that can be read/viewed online or on an iPhone or iPod Touch. Simon & Schuster was the first publisher to for it with the release of four vooks.

Early September 2009, Anthony E. Zuiker (creator of the television series “CSI”) put the vook firmly on the map with his "Level 26: Dark Origins”. The novel is published on paper, as an e-book and in an audio version. Readers are invited to log on to a Web site to watch brief videos that flesh out the plot.
Brian Tart, publisher of Dutton, an imprint of Penguin Group USA, which released “Level 26,” said he wanted the book’s text to be able to stand on its own, but the culture demanded rethinking the format.
“Like everybody, you see people watching these three-minute YouTube videos and using social networks,” Mr. Tart said. “And there is an opportunity here to bring in more people who might have thought they were into the new media world.” Readers of “Level 26,” which Mr. Zuiker wrote with Duane Swierczynski, have mixed responses to what the publisher is marketing as a “digi-novel.”
“It really makes a story more real if you know what the characters look like,” commented Fred L. Gronvall in a review on Amazon.com. The videos, he wrote, “add to the experience in a big way.”
But another reviewer, posting as Rj Granados, wrote, “Do you really think cheesy video vignettes will IMPROVE the book?”

“Everybody is trying to think about how books and information will best be put together in the 21st century,” said Judith Curr, publisher of Atria Books, the Simon & Schuster imprint that is releasing the electronic editions in partnership with Vook, a multimedia company. She added, “You can’t just be linear anymore with your text.”

Another vook is “Embassy,” a short thriller about a kidnapping written by Richard Doetsch. It uses a video snippet that resembles a newscast reveals that the victim is the mayor’s daughter, replacing some of Mr. Doetsch’s original text. He said that the new editions should not replace the traditional book. He has written a forthcoming novel, “The 13th Hour,” that he thinks is too long to lend itself to the video-enhanced format. The new editions, he said, are “like dipping a novel into a cinematic pool and pulling it out and getting the best parts of each.”

Jude Deveraux, a popular romance author who has written 36 straightforward text novels, said she loved experimenting with “Promises,” an exclusive vook set on a 19th-century South Carolina plantation in which the integrated videos add snippets of dialogue and atmosphere. But the use of video clips to provide atmosphere, including fluttering shots of cernuous willows and Southern mansions don’t work so well. The text was produced separately from the videos, which makes the clips feel not only redundant, but distracting as well.

Not all authors are charmed by the idea. Some authors resent the idea of mixing mediums. Walter Mosley stated: “As a novelist I would never ever allow videos to substitute for prose. Reading is one of the few experiences we have outside of relationships in which our cognitive abilities grow, and our cognitive abilities actually go backwards when we’re watching television or doing stuff on computers.”

Personally, I like to snuggle to with an old-fashioned printed book. I love the smell and the sensation of turning pages. For me, video images would distract me - I like to use my own imagination to "picture" the story and its characters. I do see a future for vooks of the classics, such as "Ab Urbe Condita" and "La Chanson de Roland". Funny enough, I didn't see marketeers in the high-tech sector jump on it yet. A vook would be a great format for technical brochures and white papers and an amazing marketing tool.

Agassi’s amazing memoir collaborator

2009-12-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

After reading the first chapter of “Open”, Agassi’s autobiography, I was amazed by the use of language. J.R. Moehringer paints a vivid picture of the painful memories of young Andre, using powerful prose. (The complementary first chapter can be found on BookArmy). For those of you not familiar with Moehriner, he is a Pulitzer Prize winner and wrote for the New York Times and Financial Times. He also wrote his own memoir “The Tender Bar” about his fatherless childhood that caught the eye of Agassi.

They started collaborating and taped 250 hours of sessions- a number any psychoanalyst would be jealous of. Moehringer was able to get inside Agassi’s head – not an easy thing to do. He read Freud, Jung and mythology to better understand the former tennis champ. Finding the right voice for telling the compelling story posed a challenge. Moehringer decided use the opposite of Bertrand Russell’s style and go for a stream of sentences in the present tense without any use of quotation marks.
The result is nothing short of stunning. To quote Janet Maslin of the New York Times: “The ease with which Mr. Moehringer slips into telling someone else’s story is both compelling and spooky”. I wholeheartedly agree – just read the first chapter.

You might wonder why Mr. Moehringer is not mentioned on the cover or on the title page. Before you draw wrong conclusions – it was Mr Moehringer’s own choice. To quote him: “The midwife doesn’t go home with the baby”.

That may be so, but Mr. Moehringer deserves accolades for giving Agassi such a powerful voice.

(Image courtesy of the New York Times)

Plain speaking, Aussie-style

2009-12-13T00:42:00.000-08:00

Australians are known for their plain speaking, and their Prime Minister Kevin Rudd is no exception. Even post 9/11, many politicians are still bending backwards to be PC. Not so in the largest democracy Down Under.

Just look at the speech of Australia's PM below:

"IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.

Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.

This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese,Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!

Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.

This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'. If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted."

Whether you agree with his sentiments or not - isn't it just great to live in a part of the world where you are able to express your opinions and for others comment on it without the fear of prosecution (or worse)?

Reality Blurred

2009-12-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

The fine line between reality and fiction becomes increasingly blurred. It's harder and harder to find out what is real, or what is staged for the tube viewers.

Striking examples include the infamous Balloon Boy, remember? Aptly named Falcon, the Heene boy was reported to be soared off in a balloon. The caper kept half of the globe glued to the TV screen, hoping that the boy would return safely to his (as it turned out) dysfunctional family. After a spellbinding moment when the landed balloon was empty of any life form (human or otherwise), Falcon turned up in the attic of his home. Proving the old movie adage "never work with kids and animals", he let slip during an CNN interview "you said we did it for the show". Turned out that his parents (who appeared on the reality show "Wife Swap") used the hoax to score their own reality show.

Then we were entertained by the "Tariq and Nichaele Salahi" -soap opera, remember, the couple who crashed Prez. Obama's first state dinner (and boasted about it on Facebook). The couple auditioned for Bravo's upcoming " the real housewives of DC" - but are reportedly not selected. They might get their day in court so to speak - they have been subpoenaed by the House Homeland Security Committee. Let's hope for them that Court TV will broadcast it.

And now we are mesmerized with the Tiger Wood-sage, that is brought to us via a slew of media 24/7. He was able to knock the Climate Summit in Copenhagen off the headlines. Who cares about global warming and depleted resources when you can gobble up info on Tiger's growing number of bimbos? It's the stuff reality shows and soap operas are made of - drama, illicit love trysts, medical emergencies, and large sums of money changing hands......

While children are being chastised (and pushed into therapy) for having an invisible friend, their parents are glued to their TV screen to find out more about scandals in real-time. The rest of the household, especially their teenage daughters, go on dreaming about vampires and werewolves.

It makes you wonder if your own little life is real or fiction...

The Astérix-phenomenon – how a little Gaul conquered the world

2009-10-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

The US has Mickey, but the French gave the world Astérix. Fifty years ago, René Goscinny wrote and Albert Uderzo illustrated the first Astérix story for the magazine Pilote.

Half a century later, our favorite Gaul is still going strong. On 22 October, the 34th strip album in the series came out to celebrate: "Asterix and Obelix's birthday - The Gold Book".

You have to understand that comics are perceived differently in Europe than in the US. Especially the French and the Belgians take their Bandes Dessinées (BD, “drawn strips” or comic strip books) very serious indeed, and Astérix is part of this cultural heritage. In the last 50 years, 325 million Astérix strip albums have been sold in 107 languages.

What made our little Gaul such a success? It is based on the concept that modern-day France sees itself as beleaguered by the imperial forces of the US. So what better way to address this angst than by having a cunning little Gaul routinely and successfully outwitting and beating the cloddish forces of Caesar’s Rome?

Each comic book starts with “The year is 50 BCE and Gaul is entirely occupied by the Romans. Well, not entirely. One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out against the invaders.”
It makes anyone who had to read Julius Caesar’s “de bello Gallico” (in Latin, mind you!) in high school chuckle…. The stories poke gentle fun at other countries, including the UK, Belgium, Spain, Greece and Switzerland - to name just a few.

The original French text has wonderful name puns for the various Gaulish and Roman characters, usually ending in "ix" for the Gauls or "us" or "a". It was quite a struggle for translators to make sure the humor was not lost in translation. The chief Druid, who mixes the magic potion, is "Panoramix" in French, "Getafix" in the UK and "Readymix" or "Magicmix" in the US (localization is in overdrive here!). The village chief is "Abraracoucix" in French, "Vitalstastix" in the UK, and "Macroeconomix" in the US. The fishmonger's wife is "Ielosubmarine" (Yellow Submarine) in French and "Bacteria" in the UK and the US.

Astérix is a short, cocky, clever, and hyper-energetic Gallic leader. Sound familiar? No, he doesn’t have a tall, glamorous wife of Roman origin. But Astérix has become part of current French politics. François Fillon, the French Prime Minister, is a sworn enemy of Xavier Bertrand, the Minister of Labor. Fillon accuses Bertrand of bearing malicious tales to President Nicolas Sarkozy, and thus refers to him (in private) as "Tullius Detritus". (Tullius Detritus is a Roman agent, who can divide the best of friends and families with a couple of ill-chosen words).

You have to understand that Astérix was created in the time that Charles de Gaulle was the French president. He saw the world as La France vs. the Rest of the World. The idea of the Asterix creators was to gently mock this French insularity.

In a delicious twist of fate, Astérix became as much a global brand as Mickey did. Up till now, our village-dwelling, Roman-bashing Gaul is the only serious competitor of America’s favorite rodent, including his own theme park outside of Paris.

Even more ironic is the fact that these ultra-French characters were created by children of immigrants: Uderzo's parents were Italian and Goscinny, who passed away in 1977, came from a Polish-Jewish family.

Little Astérix, his faithful pal Obélix and their posse of friends were cooked up during a 30-minute brain-storming session in a council flat in Paris. Who would have known that they would conquer the world by resisting the Romans?

It looks like we will enjoy our Gauls for many years to come. Mr Uderzo sold rights to the series to the publishing conglomerate Hachette, and he has appointed three young artists to take over when he dies.

Astérix also gave birth to a wonderful urban myth. On April 1st 1993, the UK newspaper “The Independent” claimed that French and British archaeologists had unearthed the remains of Asterix's "indomitable" village on a headland near Lannion in northern Brittany. The excavations at Le Yaudet had uncovered coins marked with images of wild boar, the favorite food of Obélix. Although the newspaper later reported that it was an April Fool's joke, an urban legend was born. In 1999, the Collège de France, the country's most prestigious academic institution, asked the French archaeologist Patrick Galliou to give a talk on the dig – much to his amusement. He was mentioned in the spoof article as one of the archaeologists.

For the numerous fans all over the world (myself included) - happy L Astérix!

The fishy tale of the Israeli mermaid

2009-08-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

Every summer, most of the time during August, an alien/monster/mythical creature-story pops up.

This year, we enjoyed two: the Israeli mermaid and the Mexican alien baby (more on that one in my next blog post). It was for surea nice break from the overexposed Michael Jackson story (although he sort of fits in the alien scheme of things….)

Let us concentrate for now on our elusive mermaid. She was spotted in the Bay of Haifa during sunset, jumping and doing all kinds of tricks before disappearing. Sound like your average dolphin to me!

However, the small town of Kiryat Yam (“sea resort” in English, located just North of Haifa in case you are too lazy to google it) was quick to offer a cool million US$ to anyone who can supply proof.

Nice PR stunt if I ever saw one and uncannily similar to the whole Loch Ness spiel.

SKY news (UK) and ABC (USA) featured the news, as did other global media. Of course, our mermaid is a comely young woman. Funny, there are never sightings of ugly old fat mermen…..Maybe they dwell in an elderly cave home somewhere at the bottom of the sea and are not allowed to swim out?

Eyewitness Shlomo Cohen claimed, "I was with friends when suddenly we saw a woman laying on the sand in a weird way. At first I thought she was just another sunbather, but when we approached she jumped into the water and disappeared. We were all in shock because we saw she had a tail." Wow, our Shlomi must have been heavily under the influence!

I am still trying to figure out how a fishtail-impaired creature can jump up and dive into the sea in a New York minute. She must be one hell of an athlete, that one!

Strangely enough, our Shlomo did not take a pic with him mobile phone – a standard accessory for almost all Israelis. Pity, it would have made him an instant millionaire. May be he didn’t follow through due to the old Scottish joke (when two fishermen caught a mermaid, one of them immediately threw her back into the water. When asked “why”? he responded “how?”)

While the main media are debating the issue, the Weekly World News had the best coverage on this fishy subject. They quoted one resident as saying, “we are so shocked that they have begun showing up here. They usually observe below the surface, but we think this year they may be looking to spend the holidays with local residents.”

Another witness said: “Those mermaids are usually so snobby, always drumming up excitement and then leaving to go back to the depths of the sea as soon as they get some attention. I hope they choose one or the other before they start upsetting the locals.”

“They just looked like pretty ladies with funny feet to me,” said one elderly resident. “But if they want to observe the holidays with me, I’d be happy to have them!” This laudable sentiment was not shared by one woman who snubbed: “They need to go back where they came from. They are scaring the children and bringing too many strangers to our shore. It’s disrupting the peace.”

The article went on stating that town officials have begun erecting small pools of water in local synagogues in hopes that the mermaids will feel welcome to spend their holiday (Jewish New Year) with residents. “We’ll do what it takes to make the merpeople feel as though they can come together with us as a unified people…of sorts.”
That’s the spirit! No word from the religious authorities if they consider our marine creatures Jewish or not. Ah well, for sure the reform jews will welcome them with open arms!

The whole story reached a new entertainment level (at least in my eyes) when the Israeli online newspaper Ynet claimed that an American organization claiming to defend the rights of mermaids is threatening to appeal to the International Court of Justice in The Hague. I would love to preside over this one as a judge! I would encourage the whole court to conduct a "descente en lieu" (for the legal eagles among my readers) - let's have beach party on the shore of Kiryat Yam and wait for the mermaid to join!

Interesting enough, the organization is Brooklyn-based "Mermaid Medical Association" (MMA). How mermaids can effort US medicare is a mystery to me - even if Obama's health plan reform goes through. No word from the mermaid what her stand on this issue is. According to the local yellow pages, there is a medical service organization on 1704 Mermaid Avenue (Coney Island). My educated guess: the organization took their name from the location, not from the sort of patients they treat! No word from the PR office or managing director of the "official" MMA. They are quite likely thanking their lucky stars for this free publicity windfall......

(Since there is no picture available yet of our Israeli mermaid, I used the painting of J.W. Waterhouse for illustration)

Sonata Twitterata

2009-08-03T02:45:00.000-07:00

It’s no secret that I love social media, like most writers. I am on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter.

(Feel free to contact to me on any of these social platforms!) I gave MySpace a pass – I test drove it, and didn’t like the spam I got.

Twitter is the latest Hot Thing – until something else comes around. It seems that everyone is tweeting to some extend: individuals like you and me, celebrities, and companies.

The tricky part with Twitter is that your “mini-blog posting” must be limited to 140 characters. This poses a huge challenge to the best of us. Tweeting about simple things is easy “going on vacation”, “still stuck in traffic”. If needed, a link or a shortened link (TinyURL) can be added in case you read a great article you want to share (or, as in my case, entice Twitterati to go to my recently published short story "Revenge will come....."– hint, hint!)

In case you wonder, yes, you can follow anyone you want to your heart’s content without being a stalker….hurray for cyberspace!

But I would never have thought that Twitterati could be such a source of amusement! (The word Twitterati is my invention; sounds a heck of a lot better than “twits” – ask any Brit for that connotation! The singular form is Twitterarus (m) or Twitterata (f) – Julius Caesar would have been proud of this. Come to think of it, he probably would have tweeted about his good-for-nothing relatives and of course about De Bello Gallico from the Forum Romanum, during senate meetings, and from the battle fields).

US politicians (already an ongoing source of media fodder for global comic relief) have embraced Twitter as well. It should come as no surprise that the two most prominent political Twitterati are…..Sarah Palin and Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Let’s start with our “I’ve gone fishing” Alaskan huntress. She twittered: “& mamma bear doesn’t look 2 anyone else 2 hand her anything; biologist say she works harder than males, is provide/protector for the future”.

In response, Durer’s rhino promptly quipped: “We have learned today that: bears are Real Americans that don't ask for or take handouts; and male bears are deadbeats and just sit around the forest in their boxers eating salmon and drinking berry juice.”

OK, her tweet might be a bit simple, but at least she is clever enough not the address major issues – or is she? Think again: our favorite pit bull with lipstick decided to respond to a new report on ethics charges against her on Twitter. She happily tweeted: “Re inaccurate story floating re:ethics violation/Legal Defense Fund;matter is still pending;new info was just requested even;no final report.”

My dear Saraleh, please listen to your legal team and don’t tweet about such sensitive topics! You should have stuck to your original statement calling any allegation that the defense fund accepted any inappropriate donations "misguided and factually in error." (That’s my advice as a lawyer – free of charge!)

She is not alone in her twitter blundering – our Ahnold is not far behind. Under his watch, the California deficit is a staggering $26 billion (try to figure out how you would spend that kind of dough to enhance your lifestyle!)
After negotiating a deal that will (hopefully) close the gap, Schwarzenegger posted a puzzling video message on his Twitter page. In it, the governor is wielding a huge knife, talking about selling state cars signed by the "celebrity governor." Even Aaron McLear, the governor's press secretary, couldn't explain the knife: "I don't know why he is holding a knife. The message is in what he is saying, not what he is holding in his hand."

L.A. residents were heavily underwhelmed by both A.S. and his prop, as illustrated by the comment of local Giovanni Matallane: "he should be focusing on other things besides signing cars and holding a knife ... and being on Twitter."

Matt Littman , a political speech writer and blogger, was even more explicit: “7.3 billion in education cuts ... Kindergarten through college teachers are getting laid off and he wants to talk about signing cars at an auction ... Why doesn't he sign their pink slips?" and ended with the suggestion that the best way for our Arnoldus Twitteratus to proceed, would be to quit – Sarah Palin-style.

Wiser politicians stick to distributing press releases and friendly editorials on their Twitter account. Clever and proper, but hey, what would be the fun of that?! Don't we all love a mishap that could "launch a thousand" tweets?

Dan Brown’s latest fruit of the pen

2009-07-16T10:49:00.000-07:00

Dan Brown’s latest novel will come off the presses coming September. This new novel, The Lost Symbol, was previously titled The Solomon Key. I am not sure, but I think he changed it due to a slew of books already out in print with a similar title (and questionable content). The plot seems to evolve around a Conspiracy (what else?) and this time it’s the Freemasons that are involved. I wonder how that will go down, especially in the US.

Just in case you wonder about the origin of Solomon’s key (yes, I know, you have better things to do with your life, but why not ?) - here’s what it originally was all about. According to Biblical tradition, Solomon held the key to interpreting the language of animals and plants. (Not sure it this is really helpful for ruling a country, but that’s just me. I am glad I don’t understand what my cat is shouting at me; I have enough trouble figuring out what the heck my fellow human beings are talking about). The basis is a verse in Kings 1:”And [Solomon] spake of trees, from the cedar tree that is in Lebanon even unto the hyssop that springeth out of the wall: he spake also of beasts, and of fowl, and of creeping things, and of fishes.” (Not my translation, so if a scholar feels it lacking, please put an update in the comments section of this blog. I will be more than happy to incorporate that version).

In all fairness, I am not a great fan of D. Brown. I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories, and found a lot of research in his novels sadly lacking in scientific content. I am also not in favor of upsetting millions of Christians, especially Catholics (I grew up with very nice Catholic friends, so I have warm memories, although I am of a different faith). PR wise, the Catholic Church did more to promote the Da Vinci Code by being all huffy and puffy about it, than any PR company ever could. I wonder - will if this happen again this time around with the Freemasons?

Doubleday, the publisher behind the forthcoming follow-up, is conducting a promotional campaign comprising a series of puzzles on social networking sites, including Facebook.
The first print will have 5 million copies – for sure they will fly off the shelves. The future for The Lost Symbol looks good (especially for Mr. Brown’s bank account) – there is already talk about a movie. The Da Vinci Code-movie raked in $758 million in 2006 alone. Colombia Pictures released the "Angels and Demons"-movie in May 2009, so the timing is perfect.

The Lost Symbol is expected to dominate the book charts for months and is already in the number one spot on Amazon's pre-order list. Publisher Doubleday might have all their ducks in a row, but other publishers are not that lucky.

Penguin had to reshuffle publication of William Trevor's new novel Love and Summer and Nick Hornby's new book, Juliet Naked.I n the fight for space on supermarket shelves and on best-seller lists, there is just no chance of getting a book to number one with Dan Brown’s out. Hornby is no slouch when it comes to bestsellers. His books, including Fever Pitch, High Fidelity and About a Boy have each sold more than a million copies New books by Coetzee, Iain Banks, Fay Weldon, Rachel Cusk, Sadie Jones, Margaret Atwood, Will Boyd and Nick Cave are also being launched before September 15, to avoid the Brown tsunami – no one can compete with the might of Brown (The Da Vinci Code has sold more than 81 million copies worldwide).

I have mixed feelings about it all – I love the fact that at least people read (even if it is Harry Potter and Dan Brown), but I don’t like these fashionable fruits of the pen pushing (better) novels out of the limelight.

Maybe book publishing has become too much of a marketing game?

Starry, starry face……tattoos gone wild (only in Belgium!)

2009-06-17T04:07:00.001-07:00

The Belgian teenager Kimberley Vlaeminck (18) from Kortrijk (B) decided that she wanted three dots next to her right eye.

She went with her father Diego and sister to her local tattoo artist, ex-Parisian Rouslan Toumaniantz of Tattoo Box. Daddy was willing to pay for it, since the whole family has tattoos. The fact that she only speaks Flemish and that he only speaks French didn’t stop our enterprising girl to go under the tattoo needle. Fifty-six stars later, she claims that she asked him to tattoo only three small stars next to her left eye and not the whole Milky Way (my words, not hers).

Half a starry face later, when her family and boyfriend came back from eating ice cream, the reactions were less than enthusiastic. Our girl defended herself by saying “I must have dozed off”. She is a hairdresser and started working that day at 5am, you see…..

The tattoo guy stated that she did indeed gave him permission, but freaked out when her father and boyfriend disapproved. He cannot remove the tattoos himself, but is willing to lower the price of his handiwork to Euro 50 (just in case you want to know: that's the price of 5 tattooed stars).

She filed a complaint at the police station and is seeking damages. The spokesperson of the Kortrijk law enforcement (Tom Janssens, who for sure has better things to do during working hours), stated that the investigation will show if this is a case of bodily harm, of miscommunication or that Ms. Vlaemink simply changed her mind.

In the mean time, M. Rouslan Toumaniantz is not unhappy at all – he is now a well-know "artist". I cannot blame him, excellent free publicity for a young business, n'est-ce pas?

As for our little hairdresser – I just don’t get it. Getting tattoos is a personal matter (I am one of the few members in my fitness center that is tattooless – and I like to keep it that way!), but may be it would have been wise to avoid the face? Even Angelina Jolie doesn’t have any ink illustrations there!

As for falling asleep – makes as much sense as spontaneously dozing off during your standard dentist appointment.

As a lawyer, I can tell you that the “I didn’t give permission”- defense just wouldn’t fly, since she knew that the guy doesn’t speak any Flemish. Caveat emptor!

Both the French and the Dutch have a lot of jokes about the Belgians…that they are not that clever (to put it mildly and political correct). Well, this girl for sure doesn’t help matters!

For all you parents concerned about your offspring tattooing body parts - let them have a look at her starry face…..and whatever you do: don’t go out for ice cream when your heirs are falling asleep during the procedure!

Cybercalypse Now! Cybercrime and Punishment

2009-04-02T03:35:00.000-07:00

For years, the main threat to our safety was crime – the old fashioned one. There were burglars, robbers and other villains. But our main threat nowadays is of the sneaky variety – yes, I am referring to cybercrime.

My main fear is not that I will be robbed in the streets by some crazed junkie, but that my identity is stolen by person(s) unknown. The Four Horsemen of the Cybercalypse ride their Trojan horses through cyberspace – wracking havoc with our online data. Once they get their grubby hands on our bank account or SSN, we are toast. Forget about finding out who stole, traded and used your data – cyber crooks operate in cybergangs that could have given Al Capone a run for his money. The chance of them getting nabbed by law enforcement is very slim, and even fewer are ever convicted and thrown in the brick.

Personally, I think that only one punishment fits the crime – cyber crooks should go non-tech for the rest of their lives. Let them get water from a well, read books (remember those?) by candlelight, and walk or ride a bicycle to go shopping. They cannot use credit cards of course, so they have to queue in the nearest bank to get money from the bank clerk. The downside is that I don’t know if there are any places left on earth that are non-tech…may be Eastern Island or Rottumeroog?

To help them out, I composed a list of terms that they can refer to since they wouldn’t have access to Wikipedia or Google to help them out.

Dear evillenus,

Please memorize the following term and erase all previous definitions from your memory (the one in your brain, inside your skull, you know, that boney part between your ears)

Spam = SPAM®, a tinned hopped pork and ham concoction that only Brits like. Since its first introduction in 1937, it has been a firm favorite in Albion, which could explain the teeth. Still, you have to eat, so click here for recipes.

Cookies = biscuits, the ones you munch or crumble. The word cookie is derived from the Dutch word koekje, which means "small cake", which shows you that the Dutch settlers lived the good life when they came to the New World - way before Internet. Fortune cookies are allowed, as long as text is handwritten preferably with a quill.

Mouse = a little rodent from the Muridae family. It is the favorite food/toy of cats (from the Felidae family). You are allowed to 1) keep them as pets 2) eat them (no recipes available) 3) feed them to your cat.

Bug = insect that can come in many forms. To help you identify which one bit you or ate your food, here is a list. Enjoy!

Cache = a hiding place that you can use for storing provisions or valuables (from the French “to hide”). Since you have to walk or ride your bicycle to the market for food (remember, no car!), I advise you to maintain a cache of food in case of emergencies (e.g., your mice eating your provisions).

Shopping basket/trolley/cart = a metal or plastic basket with/without wheels that you push or carry to schlep groceries to the check out. Since you cannot shop in a supermarket, you might ask a homeless person near you for a demonstration on alternative uses.

The Web = a spider or cobweb. Quite likely, you will have multiple ones in your dwelling. To give you idea what you are up against, check out this YouTube video. And when you are cleaning the cobwebs, you might remember the famous quote from Sir Walter Scott: “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive”.

Mail = letters, bills, etc. that a post office person drops off at your dwelling. It works both ways; you yourself can send mail by writing a letter, stuffing it in an envelope, putting a stamp on it and dropping it in a mailbox. It does require that you to know the physical addresses of hacker212 or lovemebigboy though.

Home = your dwelling, which in your case is hopefully a hut in the middle of nowhere.

Domain = a piece of land or real estate. In your case, your dwelling is located on a domain (Guantanamo Bay, maybe?)

Keyboard = the black and white keys on your piano. You are also allowed to play a harpsichord if you like.

Bit = a mall morsel. To help you with your withdrawal symptoms from hi-tech, you might consider biting on the bit of a pipe (the part of a pipe stem that you hold in your mouth)

Virus = a sub-microscopic infectious agent that is unable to grow or reproduce outside a host cell. To fight a virus infection, you might consider adding paracetamol (eg Panadol) or ibuprofen (eg Nurofen) to your cache.

Worm = an invertebrate animal that have a long, soft body and no legs whatsoever. They are part of the Platyhelminthethe family, which is the academic way of saying “flatworm”.

Trojan = a citizen of Troy, such as Hector and Paris (the guy, not the city)

Trojan horse = a sneaky ploy to hatched by Odysseus to get into Troy. If you are bored, you can build one following these instructions.

Microsoft = the unfortunate side effect of steroid use (males only)

I already found my first candidate – the cyber crook known as "the Analyzer”, who was arrested in Canada in September 2008 for hacking into a Canadian credit and debit card issuer and siphoning cash out of the compromised accounts. According to an affidavit, U.S. authorities also linked him to several data breach incidents at financial institutions across the country, resulting in losses of 10 million dollars.

Southern Writers

2009-02-15T01:50:00.000-08:00

Charles Langley (born on March 28, 1917, worked as a journalist for the Morristown Daily Record, Morristown News, The Broadcaster, and High Point Journal Advertiser) posted the following on his yahoo group "one good turn". It makes excellent reading!

"Let me tell you about Southern writers. They are different from you, and from everyone else. For one thing, Southerners start living life much earlier than other people. Twelve year old boys operate farm tractors. Fourteen year old girls raise their siblings and keep house while their mother joins Dad in the fields. So when you have a Southern writer and one the same age from any other section of the country, the one from the South likely has more years of experience to write about.
Then there's the thing with words. Southerners have love affairs with words. People sometimes think they speak slowly because they think slower or because they are naturally lazy. Not so. They speak slower because their love of the words is so great that they can't stand to part with them. They caress them, massage them, polish them and linger over them lovingly before allowing them to go on their way with a lilt and an inflection found nowhere else in our country.They care about things deeply and when they talk about them, they use words unfamiliar to you. Sometime these words are right out of Elizabethan speech or are borrowed from Shakespeare or from works that Shakespeare borrowed from. Other times they are brand new, coined for the occasion, but perfectly understandable because they are crafted to fit the context in which they are used.

My mother used language which, when I was an ignorant, callow youth, I took to be the result of lack of higher education. When I later saw the same phrases in Shakespeare or Marlowe I was amazed that she had allowed them their use. She never came up short for a word to express any scene or any emotion because she so readily invented her own. "Any damn fool can use words they get from a book but it takes a fine mind to design words that are needed and will be understandable to anyone who reads them," she said. Others have said similar things, but I would bet that my mother beat them to it.

Southern writers have a way of putting a distinctive twist on their writing. Others write about a subject. The Southerner will write around it. Like a singer sings the note while a bel canto singer sings all around the note, the Southern writer will go so far afield in his or her embellishment of the writing that the meaning lies not in the lines but between the lines.

Actually, most Southern writers are not writers at all, but story-tellers who just happen to tell the story in writing. So you can ordinarily look for a rhythm and flow in the writing not often found in that of writers from different areas. William Faulkner and Thomas Wolfe wrote in sentences that seemed to run on for half a page. It wasn't that they didn't know the ban on run-on sentences. I'm told it was because they had the habit of taking a sip of the elixir of life at the end of each sentence, and if the sentences were too short, so would be the story for they couldn't survive very many hours of short sentences.

I once asked a novelist friend of mine who had similar writing habits, "How long is your latest book?" "About a quart and a pint," he told me. I read the book. He was only off by two sips and a swallow......"

My twelve days of Chrismas

2008-12-17T05:49:00.000-08:00

I didn’t have a choice; I had to break up with my boyfriend. OK, I know this will make my mother sad since he is a doctor and all that. But once you learn about his Christmas gifts to me, you will understand….

It all started on the first day of Christmas. I came home from work and found a pear tree in front of my door. Since I live in an apartment building on the top floor, my neighbors bitterly complained. So did the fire department for blocking the emergency exit. Hence the fine, which boyfriend didn’t pay of course – and that in these economic times, really! After auctioning off the arbor in question on eBay, I found the remains of a partridge in the corner. No wonder my fat cat was not hungry! Ah well, at least he is a happy cat.

After this disaster, b-f surprised me with two turtle doves. Well, anyone who knows me is mucho aware of the fact that I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. All that coo, coo went on my nerves, and the fat cat was happy to help out. At least I saved again on cat food (Royal Canin is expensive, you know!) so I killed two birds with one stone (literally).

Naively enough, I thought that would be the end of it, but no -on the third day I got three French hens. They resembled Sarkozy and were loudly arguing (in French) while flapping their wings. After they polished off a bottle of my favorite red wine, I decided that coq au vin would be a Good Thing to have for dinner. Lover boy seemed a bit miffed that I turned his gift into a gourmet meal. Ah bon, c’est la vie!

You would think that he would by now have realized that those livestock gifts are not exactly my cup of (Earl Grey, no milk) tea. Hence my surprise, when Mr. “I have an IQ of 160 and I am member of Mensa” showed up with four calling birds. They escaped from their cage and were chased bylover boy and my cat all around my living room. Neither was successful in catching them, so I opened the window and out they flew. That was a Very Good Thing indeed, since one of those PETA fanatics claimed that they are “protected”. Whatever – those bleeding hearts are more than welcome to them (cooked or fried, heh, heh).

The next day, I received five rings, which I naively thought were gold. I considered that adequate compensation for all that poultry mayhem, until I found out that the rings were not made out of gold (I had them appraised for insurance). Trust that cheapskate to give me gold plated junk – I bet my finger would have turned green wearing them. I gave them to “dentists without borders” to be turned into fillings.

My mood didn’t improve when I found six geese waiting for me next day after work. I don’t know if you ever had any dealings with geese, but they stink and are aggressive buggers. The cat freaked out and went into hiding – unfortunately for me in my clothes closet. I wonder if I ever get that pee smell out of my evening gowns. I wanted to kill the brutes, but they are Canadian geese and therefore protected. Animal Welfare took them away – I kept the eggs. Made a damn good omelet I must say!

The next day, mon amour took me out for dinner in the park, on the lakeside. So far so good, it was all tres romantique, until he gave me my next gift – seven swans. What the Hackensack is a city girl like me to do with those ducks on steroids, I ask you! In a stroke of genius, I donated them to the city – to grace the lake. The municipality was grateful, boyfriend upset. But at least the bird-gifts stopped – to be replaced by worse gifts!

Yes, the next present I had the honor to receive consisted of eight maids milking a cow. Turned out the cow was rather bad tempered (small wonder with 16 hands pulling her udder) and the maids were illegal immigrants from Mexico. At least B-F has to deal with the authorities and not little me. If he thinks I am going to post bail or visit him in the slammer – forget it! I am still burning cented candles to get rid of the manure smell.

The next gift turned out to be OK – nine ladies dancing. Since I love to dance, it was a great gift; and once I get the hang of this hip hop…..move over Beyonce!

My favorite was the next present I got – ten lords a-leaping. I am still blurry-eyed and have muscle-aches, but boy, was it worthwhile! I think I got a bit over enthusiastic – boyfriend was verrrrrry annoyed! That will teach him to be a couch potato! I never knew that guys could be so, well, athletic and flexible!

To make sure I would not exercise with those ten hunks again (I think he shipped them back to Australia) he bestowed eleven pipers. Since they were playing bagpipes in kilts, it brought back fond memories of the time I studied criminology in Edinburgh. Turns out that I still know how to have a highland fling.

The last gift was fine as well – twelve drummers. I am currently outsourcing them to the blue man group – to our mutual benefit, I might add. No need to grant b-f a kickback; he is enjoying Her Majesty’s hospitality as we speak and therefore enjoys free room & board.

So know you understand, why I am single again…..and don’t celebrate Christmas!

Hurray for Joe the Plumber

2008-10-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

He became a media sensation without spending a dime on PR – Joe the Plumber.

It all started when Samuel “Joe” Wurzelbacher, who works as a plumber, told Obama during his campaign in Ohio that his tax plan would keep him from buying the business that currently employs him.

It would have ended there, if both presidential hopefuls would not have started referring to “Joe the Plumber” every opportunity they got. Maria Gavrilovic of CBS news counted that both candidates mentioned his name more than 25 times during their 90-minute debate, compared to the 16 times they mentioned Iraq. Needless to say, Saturday Night Life spoofed it brilliantly.

The media jumped all over poor Joe, digging into his private life. In a time where you worry about the loyalties and ties of your neighbors (especially if they have "Middle Eastern-sounding names), the relentless US newshounds tried to find any piece of dirt they could on our hardworking plumber. They claimed that Joe does not have a license to operate as a plumber, is behind on his taxes, and would actually enjoy a tax cut of about $500 under the Democrat's plans, because his real income is much lower than he claimed. Whatever.

It for sure didn’t stop Republican Senator John McCain to turn our Joseph into the ultimate Average Joe or Joe Six-pack symbol, in an attempt to gain the upper hand over rival Obama. Up till now, the only clear winner is Joe himself.

He got coverage (without any sponsors or funding!) that many celebrities (or wannebees) would dream of. For starters, the prestigious Times Online wrote a 2-page profile on him. Wurzelbacher was also interviewed by Katie Couric of CBS Evening News, Neil Cavuto of Fox News and Diana Sawyer of Good Morning America. The only one who didn’t show any interest in him was Oprah – no wonder since she is a staunch Obama supporter.

Not everyone is happy with our Joe. Female plumbers, construction workers, pipefitters and other skilled tradeswomen are peeved, since no one has bothered to try to court their interests. As Lauren Sugerman, executive director of Chicago Women in Trades points out, real women like “Sarah the plumber” “Yvette the electrician” and “Meghan the carpenter” are facing pressing issues of their own. Personally, I am not quite sure what these are, since working in those professions raise the same concerns for men and women: payment, regulations and safety issues. But maybe I am missing the point here, being a high-tech nerdette. Feel free to leave your comment on this blog to that effect (please note that any comments of current and/or ex-lovers will be promptly purged unless they are extremely positive and make sense). Anyway, we always refer to “your average Joe”; we never talk about “your average Sarah”, sorry! I am sure you don’t want to be referred to as “Jane Doe”, do you?

In an eerie blur of reality and fantasy, Joe is being quoted on the left and on the right (pun intended) with the authority of a Bill Clinton. His (Joe's not Bill's) latest view on Obama and Israel promptly made it to the leading Israeli media. When asked by a retired Florida lawyer if he also believed that a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel, he answered "I'll go ahead and agree with you on that." In contrast to Condi Rice et al, our favorite Joe loves plain talk! Is he a new Secretary of State in the making?

With Halloween around the corner, guess which outfits are the bestsellers this year?
Correct: Sarah Palin wigs, greedy banker outfits and….. Joe the Plumber plungers!
No matter who will win next month – our Joe for sure spiced up the 2008 elections!

The hype around the large hadron collider (LHC)

2008-09-11T02:35:00.000-07:00

The 10th of September 2008 was a great day for a handful of scientists and a “so what?” day for the rest of us.

The 2,000+ eggheads at CERN (French acronym for European Organization for Nuclear Research) had the day of their lives – watching a collision of particles. Sounds like boys playing with toys to me…….do you guys ever outgrow this fascination with banging objects together with full force?

The particles were not up to speed yesterday, which is pretty shoddy if you ask me, and it also took all the fun out of it. Needless to say, the lack of speed was my main concern in life - way before potential terror attacks, the US and local elections, and the state of the economy. So it’s good to know that those two beamy things will still crash into one another at high-speed pretty soon. Nascar and Red Bull race fans (and other speed devils) will be relieved.

I am a lawyer (don’t hold that against me), not a physicist, so the famous CERN institute was only known to me from one of those wishy-washy Dan Brown’s novels. (Don’t ask me which one, they all read the same – I just vaguely remember a super plane flying to CERN. I was mainly wondering at the time if the passengers on it got more frequent flyers miles and better airplane food than I do on my European flights).

CERN describes its collider thingy as “a gigantic scientific instrument near Geneva, where it spans the border between Switzerland and France about 100 m underground. (Area 51 anyone?) It is a particle accelerator (just in case you want to know) used by physicists to study the smallest known particles – the fundamental building blocks of all things. It will revolutionize our understanding, from the minuscule world deep within atoms to the vastness of the Universe.”

Well, that’s just dandy. The majority of us are still trying to understand the meaning of our own little lives. For the Mysteries of the Universe, I refer to my beloved SF series - characters like the Vulcans, Ferengi and Minbari make a heck more sense than many of the carbon-based life forms (especially homo sapiens) populating this planet.

Our dear scientists are looking for the Higgs boson, a theoretical particle dubbed "the God particle". OK, so we are spending millions on finding a particle that only exists in theory. Guys, newsflash, Lara Croft in the "Cradle of Life" already beat you to it!

What the technies at CERN try to do is to have two beams of 'hadrons' (not be confused with the Roman Emperor Hadrian, who had a Wall named after him) traveling in opposite directions inside a circular accelerator. You get it: the result is “boom”. This is supposed to represent the Big Bang. Clever citizens remarked that this would create a black hole, and were we all not taught (by the same eggheads) that black holes are Bad? However, don’t worry or check your insurance policy yet - we were assured that such a black hole will be:
1) tiny
2) only last a nano-nano-nano-second
3) evaporate
Mmmm, are these the same guys that told us in the past that nuclear energy is really, really, really safe?

I am not a scientist, but one thing I can tell you for sure – LHC itself is a black hole of the worse kind – the one where budgets and funding keep on disappearing into ….The only positive outcome I foresee in the near future is a bunch of Nobel Prize winners. Yes, those guys who are able to prevent us all from being sucked into a black hole of their making will for sure be winners.
Isn’t life deliciously ironic? And I didn’t even need a hadron or Higgs boson to figure that one out!.

Montauk Monster Mania

2008-08-03T03:56:00.000-07:00

Ditch Plains Beach, located in Montauk in the ritzy East Hamptons (the favorite summer playground of Manhattan’s rich and famous) saw some interesting action during the last week of July 2008.
It all started with the gossipy gawker.com publishing an article with picture of a creature washed ashore.

The pig-like creature got the kind of free media exposure that many celebs (including our battling presidential hopefuls) crave for. It appeared on TV channels such as FOX news, CNN and was covered in broad sheets like The Telegraph and The New York Times as well as on a strew of blogs.
The critter also got international exposure in France, Germany , The Netherlands, Spain and Latin America, Italy, Australia, South Africa, and featured in a strew of blogs.

Like most urban legends, the origin of the story is murky. It all started with Anna Holmes, the managing editor at Jezebel, receiving the pic of the pig by email from an Alanna Navitski, an employee at Evolutionary Media Group, in Los Angeles. Navitski got the gross image from her friend at Harris Publications, who got it from her sister who was there with her friends and one of them took the picture.
You are still with me?
A number of eye witnessed popped up, including the illusive sister, who didn’t want to be interviewed.
How convenient.
A local who wanted to remain anonymous (what, again?!) claimed that she saw it on people's phones and that she also knows people who saw it on Ditch Plains and other people who saw it at the person's house that they took it to. Yeah, right.

The remains of the mammal have conveniently disappeared. It's no longer at the beach where it was supposedly found. According to our “witness” Navitski, an old guy came and carted it away. That would only make sense if it would have popped up on ebay, where it is conspicuously absent.

And thus, my friends, urban legends are made.

The theories about the identity of the ugly beast are plentiful.

Pitbull dog – this theory was coupled with concerned dog owners worrying that it was their beloved pooch washed up on these fancy shores. Don’t worry canine lovers; the creature was not a dog, just read on….
Sea turtle – the poor creature lost its shell and died homeless. That’s the American real estate crisis for you.
Satan – I really like this one; I don’t think it could be Satan itself, being it so small and mortal, but may be one of its favorite pets? Did anyone check if it smelled of fire and brimstone?
An escaped experiment - from the government animal-disease research facility on Plum Island, just offshore from Montauk. This doesn’t make any sense at all, since they have an impeccable safety record and are supervised by the Department of Homeland Security.
It’s photoshopped – which, if it is, would make if part of the next theory:
It’s a hoax – similar to the sea serpent in Long Pond (Ironically enough, the Montauk finding spouted a hoax press release allegedly from the well-know PR company Ketchum).
Part of the Montauk Project – which consisted of a series of experiments (mainly in stealth technology) that took place at the Montauk Air Force Station. Since it closed down in 1987, it is highly unlikely that the creature came from there. Unless you believe in time travel….….X-files anyone?
Your favorite enemy – ranging from mother-in-law, ex-girlfriend to Lizzie Grubman and Marya Carey.

So what/who is our ugly beachgoer?
Larry Penny, the environmental-protection director of East Hampton stated that it is a raccoon with a broken jaw (hence the beak-like appearance). The long fingers and size (it’s about the size of a cat) are further indications that our furless friend is indeed a very dead raccoon.
Makes sense to me…..

Personally, I like the Gawker’s theory that "it's viral marketing for something.”
In that case, prime candidates would be “Cryptids Are Real," an upcoming Cartoon Network show about mysterious, scientifically undocumented animals such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and the Chupacabra, closely followed by Cloverfield 2, an upcoming Paramount monster movie. Considering the “source” of the urban legend, my money would be on the first.

The most likely explanation however, is that since the poor creature washed up at the end of July, and August is a notoriously slow month in PR, the story got the exposure it did – call it being at the right time at the right place. Just a damn shame the poor thing itself cannot cash in on it……

Obama’s magazine cover – lessons to be learned

2008-07-15T05:35:00.000-07:00

On the cover of its latest issue, the satirical magazine The New Yorker published a cartoon of Mr. & Mrs Obama.
The presidential hopeful is depicted as a Muslim while his wife-unit is dressed in army fatigues with an AK-47 slung over her shoulder, bearing a fleeting resemblance to Angela Davis.
OBL looks down at the fist-greeting couple from his portrait on the wall.

In conservative America, it created a media storm of tsunami proportions. In a time of economic recession and Iran’s war games, the US media and bloggers alike pounced on the story like a cat on mouse. Go figure.

The Obama camp shouted foul and McCain, who needs to be PC even if it kills him, pompously announced (via his spokesman Tucker Bounds by e-mail) that “we completely agree with the Obama campaign, it’s tasteless and offensive.”
Well, he could hardly say anything else, could he?

In the cartoon, various concerns about Obama’s background are shown.

About 10 per cent of US voters believe Mr O. to be Muslim because of his childhood ties to the religion through his Kenyan father and Indonesian stepfather.
Having Hussein as a middle name doesn’t help, nor did the crazy remarks of his connections Rev. Jeremiah Wright and former terrorist William Ayers.
Michelle O. has made some anti-patriotic remarks (or remarks perceived as critical of her native country) about the US in the past. The fact that she comes across as a hard-nosed career woman and not as nearly as empathic as media darling Oprah works against her.
The fist bump was copied from the one they shared when he got the Democratic nomination in St. Paul, Minn. Hey, if you want to be cool and go for the dap, don’t be offended when its lampooned later on – you are in politics!

The New Yorker is known for its satirical magazine covers.
Its cover depicting President Bush being flooded in the Oval Office after Hurricane Katrina was chosen by a panel of US magazine editors and designers as the best cover of the year 2006.
The illustration shows the waters rising around Mr. Bush and his top appointees as the flood from New Orleans engulfs the White House, which was criticized for failing to respond promptly and fully to the disaster.
I do not remember a big brawl about that one, do you?

New Yorker editor David Remnick is defending the cover, stating that it “satirizes the use of scare tactics and misinformation in the Presidential election to derail Barack Obama’s campaign… It is meant to bring things out into the open, to hold up a mirror to the absurd. And that's the spirit of this cover."

Makes absolute sense to me!
As The Independent pointed out, The New Yorker seems to have "winkled out an essential truth about Barack Obama – he doesn't do satire".
And the same goes for gaggles of American commentators and bloggers who are outraged.

In my opinion, they are missing some important aspects.

The cover reflects public concerns about Obama that he better address –fast.
He wants to be elected, non? So inform your constituency (and the rest of the world) who you are and what you stand for!
Being lampooned is part of political life, as Bush 2.0 and other world leaders can vouch for. So is you want to stay in the political kitchen, learn to take the heat.
Talk to Bill Clinton – he turned it into an art.
Every American will proudly proclaim to the world how great his/her country’s freedom of the press is.
(Not to be confused with freedom from the press - this entails celebrities being protected from pesky paparazzi).
But as soon as it impacts our American’s personal sensibilities, it seems to be a different story.
Please, be more European and lighten up.
To get some practice: watch Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld at least 3 times a week. His stay in the UK obviously did him a world of good.

In the end, it is The New Yorker which is laughing all the way to the bank.
In a time when the printed media are under tremendous pressure, the circulation of this issue must have gone trough the roof.

My advice to Obama: shrug it off with a smile - it will only ad to your appeal....
You will need a good sense of humor once you go head-to-head with McCaim - trust me, it's going to get ugly before you (providing you beat your senior citizen opponent) are sworn in.

Mommy 2.0 explained – beauty is only scalpel-deep

2008-04-23T01:12:00.000-07:00

Beauty seems to be scalpel-deep. And when you are a plastic surgeon looking for more clients, what do you do? Advertising? Handing out flyers in the Mall? Mailing campaigns? Mmmm, high cost, low impact. Wait, Mother’s Day is around the corner, so why not try to target those young mothers?
With the right kind of promotion, droves of them could be heading for the surgery – demanding lifts, tucks, and anything else the clinic offers.
And what better angle than doing that via their beloved offspring?

Hence the birth of “My Beautiful Mommy”, a book written by Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a board-certified plastic surgeon in Bal Harbour, Fla.
(I wonder if our enterprising MD will pen a sequel “My Dashing Daddy” to attract male patients.)
Our enterprising medicus claims that his liber is the first book that explains plastic surgery to kids, an issue he says many of his patients are struggling with. Funny, I would expect them struggling to pay our dear doctor’s bill.

Just to avoid any misunderstanding, the book relates to Mommy’s beauty operation, and not to reconstructive surgery due to accidents or cancer (which IMHO would make a hell of a lot more sense!)

The book is a self-publishing or vanity press one. For those of you who are not familiar with the concept: you pay for it yourself, including printing, and hope to get your costs covered and some profit from sales. No agent or publisher is involved. Since bookshops don’t carry self-publishing books, you will not find “My beautiful Mommy” in any Borders or WHSmith near you.
(According to my calculation, our medical author paid less than $ 4,000 to get started with 50 copies for sale – cheaper than a lot of marketing and PR campaigns).

Each book must have a hero – in this case Dr. Michael, who looks like a pumped-up superhero. In real life, our dear doctor looks far less glamorous as can be seen here.

The storyline is as follows: mommy gets a “mommy makeover” + nose job.
She justifies this to her little girl with “You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better." She assures the apple of her eye that her nose will appear "different, my dear—prettier!"
(After hearing this, I am sure that the little one immediately scurried to a mirror to check out her own honker).

The book is aimed at kids ages 4 to 7. It’s funny that the kid portrayed is a girl – are sons less traumatized? Or did they already talk to Daddy who explained that Mommy must look really good; otherwise Daddy will move in with his g-f?
Or maybe little boys don’t pay that much attention to their mother’s appearance anyway – as the blogger shayknows remarked on SheKnows Daily Dish: “I could show up with a third breast and I don’t think my kids would even notice”.

When explaining your upcoming upgrade to Mommy 2.0, please take the time to:

Point out that the sacking breasts and floppy belly are the kid’s fault to begin with.
Before getting pregnant, Mommy looked like Jennifer Aniston, now she looks like Brigitte Bardot.
Make sure that your child still recognizes you after surgery.
Don’t forget, you cannot solely depend on your 401(k) plan, so it’s wise to stay on the good side of Junior who will take care of you in your golden years. I am sure Bill Gates’ mother agrees.
Explain that your child’s old, fat and tired Mommy will be transformed into Daddy’s glamorous PA, but still will nag you to do chores and homework.
Make a before/after chart that explains Mommy’s new facial expressions.
Yes, Mommy is surprised/upset; you just cannot see that due to Mommy’s Botox face (show image of your frozen face).
No, Dr. Michael didn’t hit Mommy on the mouth, Daddy likes kissing bee-stung lips (and maybe Dr. Michael does too between pushups in the gym).
No, you cannot hug Mommy really close anymore – her new breasts are in the way.
Make sure to point out that they too, can get rid of their Windsor Flapper ears or Habsburg chin, just look at New Mommy!

After reading Dr. S tantalizing tale, your little darling has now learned the true values in life.
To prepare her for her own future stint with Dr. Salzhauer (his wife is pregnant with child #5, so quite likely one of his heirs will follow in Daddy’s footsteps), make sure she gets practice.
The best source is the online fashion show Miss Bimbo where she can buy plastic surgery for her own virtual characters.
Trust me; it’s a great way to shape her to be one of the coolest hotties around. Let’s face it – who needs a Nobel Prize winner as a child?

Dress for success - the French way

2008-03-25T02:51:00.000-07:00

It’s not easy being a powerful woman. Ask any of us in higher management positions.

Apart from performance pressure, we are also judged on our looks and outfits. Our male counterparts can show up in the same boring business suits day after day, growing beer bellies and losing their hair – but not us! We have to be “representative” without being “provocative”.

It’s the female powerhouses that get the most heat: Oprah has been ridiculed for her weight swings and fashion sense, while Dr. Phil Phony can be shabbily dressed and pudgy. Hillary Clinton is made fun of due to her trademark pantsuits, while Obama can drape his lanky frame with the same old, same old boring suit – go figure.

So I admire women in power that don’t give a damn and do as they please, especially if they are politicians with non-stop media scrutiny.

In the US, Condoleezza Rice is pushing the envelope in contrast to first lady Laura Bush.

In Europe, the only country where female politicians have this “je ne sais quoi” is not Italy (the Mecca of the Alta Moda), but France.

The most glamorous of the bunch is Rachida Dati (yes, that’s IS her real family name!) France’s Minister of Justice who, in her early forties, flatly refuses to go dowdy. When criticized for her addiction to designer rags, she replied that as the high-achieving daughter of poor immigrants, she had earned her Dior dresses. Way to go, amica!

Let’s face it, if Robespierre cum suis would have been female, they would have added “élégance” to liberté, égalité and fraternité (and less well-coiffed heads would have been severed).

Ms. Dati is the darling of her boss, French president Sarkozy who refers to her as “ma beurette” (French slang for a female immigrant from the Maghreb region -Morocco, Tunisia, Algeria and not for “my little buttercup”).

But she is not the only glam puss - Christine Lagarde, France’s Finance and Employment Minister favors Chanel for state events, while the Senegalese-born Human Rights Minister, Rama Yade, likes to be decked out in Yves Saint Laurent.

And trust me; all of them are taken seriously!

We all know that clothes maketh the man – just take a look at the rigid power dressing code in ancient Rome. And the same applies to women – just ask Angela Merkel when she was running for Prime Minister.

For now, we less high-profiled women have to keep the delicate balance at work between excelling at our job while dressing as we please.

I just wish I was a French cabinet minister…..and being able to borrow haute couture!

How bad is Eliot Spitzer? Not bad at all if you think about it!

2008-03-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

Just look at the facts.

One: Eliot Spitzer was having consenting sex with an adult woman. To boost the local economy, he paid her – which is a Good Thing. Not sure if an invoice for sexual favors includes sales tax or VAT in the State of New York – but if so, it benefits the governmental coffers. If our Spitzer-Bub filed it on his tax form as personal and not business expenses, the IRS will be happy, so no harm done there.
In short, our Eliot kept one woman from being on the dole while keeping the bucks rolling. (I wonder if she voted for him….)
We can furthermore assume that some peripheral items were involved in this encounter, including food, drinks and protection, and may be also some recreational items – Eliot looks like a guy who is into that kind of stuff. This benefits local merchants - again, a Good Thing!

Two: Spitzer is not exactly the best governor NY ever had. He just started his term, so his political elimination is a godsend! Let that nice Lt. Gov. David Paterson take over. He might not be the Sheriff of Wall Street, but he looks like a decent bloke.

Three: It makes the best news fodder since Clinton shared a cigar with Monica.
Let’s face it, the Death Match between the she-Clinton and Obama is getting ugly, Britney Spears as an ongoing train wreck is too boring and the Hilton chick is not so hot anymore, while the War on Terror gets as much coverage as my lazy cat.
Watching Silda Spitzer (nee Wall) during the press conference – that’s entertaining!
The elegant Harvard lawyer stood by her man, abide with a hubbycidal look in her eyes. With the rest of the world, I wonder how Sildaleh will handle it. The She-Clinton not only survived her scorned wife episode but even went on to push for becoming the most powerful woman in the world (move over Oprah), with cheating hubby in the Nancy Reagan role.
At the other side of the pond, the British wives suffering from the same loose pants fallout handle it with a stiff upper lip, serving tea to the newshounds camping outside their houses.

Four: It makes the French look good. After relentlessly slamming Sarkozy, the Americans outdid themselves with this one! You can say a lot about Monsieur le President, but he at least didn’t pay for Bruni….well, maybe he will down the line in hefty alimony, but Mme Sarkozy doesn’t charge her hubby per hour…..
What can I say? Eliot makes Sarkozy look like a standup guy! Ah, the irony……

Five: It creates a golden marketing opportunity for Las Vegas – where prostitution is (sort of) legal. Can you just see the ads? Las Vegas – the city where politicians can frolic FBI-free!
It is still a mystery to me why ES didn’t hop on a plane to Sin City, hire the top floor of say, the Wynn, and have a party there with the ladies of the night…..

So you see, we should not be too hard on Eliot Spitzer – in the end, he entertains us all!
(And we don’t even have to pay for it!)

Was the Queen amused?

2007-05-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

Poor Queen Elizabeth.
It must be burden for her to visit the US.
Not known for her frequent visits across the Pond, I am pretty sure that she would have loved to do something else – visiting Scotland or an Irish horse farm.
Laura Bush, who is a smart woman, bullied her husband into organizing the state visit including a white tie event.
She (LB, not the Queen) went on national television explaining the menu and other stuff in boring detail.
(If I am not invited, what do I care about the food that is going to be served?!)
Wearing bright red lipstick that made her look like a hungry vampire, the better half of the Bush unit introduced the cooks.
Good for them – free PR once you want to open your own restaurant. Doesn’t Laura watch the “Top Chef” reality show?
It sounded in my non-American ears that Laura Dear got speaking lessons from Condi – unfortunately her clear speaking style was spoiled by the heavy Texan accent.
She kept referring to “Her Maaaaajeesstyyyy” – I wonder if the Oxbridge English speaking Monarch minded too much.
Or may be she is used to it – and finds it refreshing after the mumbling English of her eldest son….

Queen Elizabeth didn’t have much of a choice – it was 400 years ago that the Brits founded Jamestown, which became the first permanent British colony in America.
(If this was a Good Thing, I leave to the judgment of my readers on both sides of the Pond).

Our Senior Citizen Royal duly embarked (oblesse oblige) on a 6-hour or so flight, to meet Bush Minor and other Colonials during her one-week visit.
She didn’t exactly accumulate a lot of frequent flyer miles to the States – it was only her fifth visit in 50 years.
I don’t blame her – visiting a nation that broke away from the Empire by throwing lots of perfectly good tea into the harbor, doesn’t deserve a lot of Royal Attention. Leave that to upstarts like Fergie (the disgraced ex of her second son, not the Black Eyed Peas singer whom she never met).

Being a royal, she must be against presidents out of principle; and the American ones are so colorful! I am sure that her horse riding experience with former Prez. Reagan is still engraved in her mind as does the “talking hat” incident under Bush Pater.
(Bush Senior forgot in 1991 to place a footstool for the Queen to stand on. She was therefore hidden from the crowd looked like a talking hat; not exactly a crowd pleaser).

Since she is rumored to be a betting women, I am pretty sure that she made a nice little bet with her husband on her way over to see how long Bush would last before putting his foot in his mouth again.
It took the Defender of the Free World about 14 minutes into the state arrival ceremony before committing his (first) faux pas.
In all honesty, that might be a personal record for Bush.
He addressed the Queen with “you've dined with 10 U.S. presidents. You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in seventeen s -- in nineteen seventy-six."
The Queen might not be a spring chicken, but she is for sure not over 200 years old!
When the crowd started to laugh, Bush looked at the Queen and winked.
The Queen reacted in her regal way by smiling politely.
She also said something that sounded like "some year," or "you're near" or even "oh, dear."
As journalist Dana Milbank of the Washington Post put it:
“At least he didn’t credit her with signing the Magna Carta.”
(No Mr. President, that’s NOT a really, really big golf cart!)

For Bush, this state visit must be a godsend.
Let face it – the Queen is not going to grill him on the War in Iraq, his approval rate, Hurricane Katrina and his alcohol problem.

For the Queen, there was one treat in the program: visiting the Kentucky Derby.
Being a huge race fan, she was for sure more comfortable talking to jockey Calvin Borel than to the Bush people.
(Borel was later invited at the last minute to attend the state dinner – so Queen E. had at least one partner to have an interesting conversation with).

According to a Buck House spokesperson, she took an extremely close interest in the horses, but didn't place any bets. Smart lady – the horses were for sure more entertaining (and better looking) than a lot of the state dinner guests, and winning a racing bet in the US might have triggered another Boston Tea Party….

Exit of the I-man aka the Don Imus Fiasco

2007-04-17T02:08:00.000-07:00

Unless you have been in outer space or you are Knut, the Berlin polar bear cub, you must have heard about Don Imus and his big mouth.
For those of you who are not familiar with this person – he was the CBS Radio talk-show host of “Imus in the Morning”.
His trademark was a combination of discussions about politics and culture, mixed with crude and vulgar humor.
So much for the taste of his listeners.
He liked insulting people on air - during an interview with former General Electric CEO Jack Welch and his wife-unit Suzy Wetlaufer about their book “Winning”, Imus referred to Suzy as "been around more times than a fan belt."

But when he started discussing the appearance of the Rutgers women’s basketball team, all hell broke loose.
Instead of applauding these women for being smart, ambitious and blessed with athletic bodies (Paris Hilton, eat your heart out!), he spouted racial slurs.

Ironically enough, this washed out, Caucasian, over-the-hillbilly borrowed words from the hip hop world – for reasons unclear to one and all.
How this could be perceived by Imus as even remotely funny or entertaining is a mystery to me. Obviously, the ‘60s were too good to him and must have fried the moral code part of his muddled brain.

This time, thanks to the public outcry, the whole issue went online, was shown on YouTube and reached a global audience thanks to networks such as CNN and Fox.
Needless to say, viewers outside of the USA were baffled and wondered how this washout ex-junkie was able to host a radio show for so long, raking in millions for his bosses, sponsors and himself.
Ah, American culture!
The issue was settled in a typical American way as well – the sponsors pulled their ad millions from the show, since their customers were upset.
Forget about Barack and Oprah taking the moral high ground – it’s the all-powerful dollar that settled the issue.
Ergo, exit Imus.

Imus is no fool – he issued a public apology that was promptly accepted by the Rutgers’ team.
This will leave his options open to move to another radio station or follow fellow shock jock Howard Stern to satellite radio.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Sirius and XM already started a bidding war.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if he already started penning his autobiography “from fame to shame” or something similar – and if anybody knows how to market it, it’s Imus himself!

The ones that should get a sweet deal out of it are –of course- the Rutgers ladies, who handled the whole issue with a lot of class.
I expect companies such as Dove and Patagonia to step in and use them as models for their products.
Charities should jump on the opportunity to have them as spokespersons.
If not, I hope that they all graduate with top marks – and may the lawyers among them sue bigots like Imus for every penny they ever made!

Something is happening in the State of Belgium

2006-12-20T02:39:00.000-08:00

Belgium is known for its chocolates and waffles. Apart from that, it’s one of the least known countries in Europe.
OK, some art lovers might know that Van Eyck and P.P. Rubens hailed from what is now Belgium, but the little country squeezed between France and The Netherlands doesn’t exactly have a global image.
Since its creation and split from its northern neighbor, it has been divided between the Flemish (Dutch) speaking north and the French speaking south.
The Belgians are often the victim of jokes, but it’s rare that they are the ones creating a hoax.
But that is what happened.

December 2006, the national broadcasting company in French, RTBF , broke into regular programming with an urgent bulletin:
"Flemish parliament has unilaterally declared the independence of Flanders (the Dutch speaking part of Belgium)” and that King Albert and Queen Paola had left on the first air force plane available.
Grainy pictures from the military airport showed dark silhouettes of a royal entourage boarding a plane, possibly on their way to the Congo.
RTBF then aired an interview with secessionist MP Jean-Marie Dedecker, who proudly declared: "At last my dream has been realised".

The broadcast showed 50 or so jubilant demonstrators waving the yellow-and-black flag with the Flemish Lion outside the legislature.
A small crowd of monarchists rallied outside the royal palace waving the Belgian flag.

Only after a half hour did the station flash the message: "This is fiction."
Fadila Laanan, the Walloon media minister was the one who forced the station to run the disclaimer. Too little, too late.
Not only Belgians fell for the hoax, worried ambassadors asked what they had to tell their capitals.
As with Orson Wells famous “The War of the Worlds”, it took some time before people realized it was a hoax.

The program makers defended the hoax, stating that they wanted to spark a debate about the risk of Flanders' secession and the possible collapse of the country.
RTBF's news chief, Yves Thiran, told the BBC that the program was meant as a wake-up call: "Our intention was to show Belgian viewers the intensity of the issue of the future of Belgium and the real possibility of Belgium no longer being a country in a few months. We obviously scared many people - maybe more than we expected."

Not everyone saw it that way - Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt slammed the show, adding that it would only serve to increase tensions between Dutch-speakers in Flanders and French-speakers in Wallonia.
"It is very bad Orson Welles, in very poor taste," remarked his spokesman.
"In the current context, it is irresponsible for a public television channel to announce the end of Belgium as a reality presented by genuine journalists."

The good news: it brought Belgium to attention of the world and we don't have to memorize two new country names and capitals.

The bad news, mapmakers, text book writers, graphic studios, diplomats and last but not least Belgian royals loose out on new job opportunities!

Quel dommage! Wat een pech!

Humor as a weapon of mass exposure – the Borat success story

2006-10-30T03:52:00.000-08:00

Sacha Baron Cohen is a brilliant Cambridge University-educated British comedian who is able to amuse most of us while irritating an entire nation.
You see, Cohen’s alter ego is Borat Sagdiyev, a television news reporter making a meager living in the struggling country of Kazakhstan.

In his brilliant parodies, “Borat” tells the world about his beautiful home country of Kazakhstan (a urine-drinking, Jew-hating, inbred society).
He is wonderfully political incorrect and gets away with it.
In the process, he exposes the hypocrisy of many.
No subject is safe - sexual orientation, religion, culture....it's all fair game.

In one skit, Cohen pokes fun at conspiracy theories by stating as Borat that “when in America he travels by car just in case the Jews repeat their attack of 9/11.”

To satirize homophobia, Borat asked an anthropologist: "Are you a homo sapiens? Because it doesn't matter if you are."

At a feminist gathering, Borat was political incorrect and misogynic by "innocently" extolling the virtues of Baywatch.

The branding of the Borat character is brilliant – just check out the Borat website and notice the misspelling, MySpace mentioning, and photo album.

Needless to say, the people of Kazakhstan were not amused.
The tourist department even shut down Cohen's borat.kz website.
(It was immediately redirected to www.borat.tv)

To boost their national image, the Kazakh government took out a pricey four-page full-color ad in the New York Times and the International Herald Tribune today.
The special four-page insert entitled "Kazakhstan in the 21st Century" features a photo of the country's president Nursultan Nazarbayev on its front page shaking hands with President George W. Bush.
This piece of crisis management didn’t come cheaply – such ads are around $300,000 - $400,000 - Kazakhstan's per capita income was approximately $8,000….

To boost its image, Kazakhstan submitted its $50m tribal epic movie called Nomad, co-directed by Sergei Bodrov, Talgat Temenov and Ivan Passer, for the Oscar 2007 nominations.

Unfortunately for the poor Kazakhs, Barat beat them to it.
His movie “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” hit the theaters in November 2006 and already won raves from critics and fans alike.
The movie tells the story of our favorite Kazakh reporter, traveling from his dirt-poor, Kazakh village of Kuzcek (“3 mile north of fence to Jewtown”) to New York on behalf of the Ministry of Tourism.
He must observe the western way of life and report back with any information that could benefit his native land.
The plan is to stick with the culture of New York, but soon after Borat learns to use the television remote control he is compelled to take his journey to the west coast.
Seduced by "Baywatch" and learning of his Kazakh wife's death (via telegram) in a very short span, Borat makes his new mission to woo and marry buxom Hollywood starlet Pamela Anderson.

In the movie, Borat attacks many groups and subcultures as a bumbling foreigner and gains the trust of his interviewees.
Through his native questions, he cleverly coaxes brutally honest responses out of his interviewees, who are only too happy to tell him what they really think.
It’s not a pretty picture – one old rodeo guy would like “us to take care of gays here as they do in Muslim countries”.
It also shows how the Western ideal of freedom of speech can cause a global controversy.

Staying non-stop in character, Cohen wowed the crowds at the London premiere of his movie by stating:
"I have come here with Bilak, my 11 year old son, his wife and their child, and we are hoping maybe to put some chocolate make-up on the child's face and sell him to Madonna.
I am hoping that Madonna will be a very good father for it."

Cohen also unwittingly exposed the BBC as biased towards religion and politics.
In an exercise to check the attitude of its executive staff, the BBC presented its executives with the following scenario.
Suppose Sasha Baron Cohen participates in a BBC program studio program titled ‘Room 101’, where guests are asked for their opinions on different issues, and are allowed to symbolically throw things they hated in a garbage bin.
What would you, as our BBC executive do if Cohen decided to throw ‘Kosher food’, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Bible, and the Koran in the garbage bin?

Not surprisingly, the BBC executives said they would allow everything to be thrown in the garbage bin, save the Koran, for "fear of offending the British Muslim community."
Enough said….

Going Plutonic

2006-08-28T03:12:00.000-07:00

I love SF, which is a Good Thing, since I work in high tech (the science part) and my salary is fiction.
But even for Trekkies, the downgrading of Pluto is weird, really weird.
Poor Pluto was discovered in 1930 by 24-year-old American astronomer at Lowell Observatory in Arizona, Clyde Tombaugh.
The Naming Game soon started.
It was 11-year-old Venetia Burney, from Oxford, England, who suggested the name.
It was chosen from a long list that included Atlas, Apollo, Zeus, Minerva and even Bacchus. Needless to say, reporters of the New York Times pitched Bacchus, the Roman god of wine and intoxication.
I blame the International Astronomical Union, which had nothing better to do than shaking up our solar system.
They redefined “planet” as:
"a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit".
It seems that poor Pluto wobbles a bit and was therefore stripped of its planet status and demoted to a wannebee or “dwarf” planet.
I haven’t got a clue what that means – can Pluto grow up and become a proper planet?
I am also not sure what will happen to Pluto’s moon Charon. Will it become Ice Cube?
So our Pluto is out of the cosmic planet club, and globetrotting Luciano Pavarotti is in.
Good thing his family name starts with a P as well – makes us all less p-d off.

After 76 years, Pluto stepped down as a planet. Let’s hope that British Bess gets the hint and does the same for her son Charles.

Needless to say, people (I am referring to us Terrans, since I have no clue how the Martians are taking it. If the movie “Mars Attacks!” is anything to go by, not kindly, methinks) are not happy.

But the stripping of Pluto of its planet status launched a merchandise wave that would do credit to any presidential campaign.
Scores of Web-savvy entrepreneurs went on the Internet, selling Pluto memorabilia from T-shirts and mugs to bumper stickers and mouse pads.
Within 24 hours of the “bad” news, a wave of Pluto items appeared on Cafepress.com, (a San Francisco-area Internet company that prints T-shirts and other merchandise), including 200 designs on more than 1,500 products.
Many items and slogans related to Pluto's demotion and advocated its return with T-shirts proclaiming "Save Pluto" and "Stop Planetary Discrimination."

What the eggheads of the IAU didn’t understand, is that we ordinary people were quite happy with the nine planets we knew.
Let’s face it – does the downgrade bring us any benefits? Tax cuts, world peace, cure for AIDS? I don’t think so!
Au contraire, we now have to memorize one planet less and a few candidate planets more (including one called Xena, that unfortunately doesn’t have anything to do with the Warrior Princess).

To quote Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo:
"It seems counterintuitive to me that we should say Pluto is no longer a planet, yet Donald Rumsfeld is still Secretary of Defense. After all, Pluto has done no harm."

Hear, hear!
Pluto the dog, who made his debut in 1930, couldn’t agree more.
According to Disney insiders, he worries about the fate of this namesake and all the textbooks that must be rewritten.

Personally, I think that we can do a better job of classifying and naming planets than those spaced-out cosmos cowboys.

Mercury – Mini-me, since it’s small and fairly close to Earth.

Venus – Viagra, and let the pharmaceutical industry sponsor this hard rock.

Earth – Ego, since that’s what we have, in abundance.

Mars – Mars, since too many Mars movies have been made and we don’t want to upset our green neighbors, so we?

Jupiter – Juniper, since this berry gave us far more pleasure in the form of gin than this huge planet ever did.

Saturnus – Ringtone, if you wonder why, just have a look at its shape – Nokia can be a sponsor (“connecting aliens”)

Uranus – U2, for the mispronunciation by English speaking pubertal adolescents alone.
Great sponsoring opportunity for Bono as well.

Neptune – Loonytune, since only a loony could have named a gas ball after the god of oceans and seas.

Pluto – Exepluto, since it’s exit for the poor thing and it sounds like a really cool computer program (that is, as long as it’s not a Microsoft product).

For know, Pluto did one thing, that many of its fellow planets were not able to do – to get more coverage than the Klingon planets!

The Gibson Disaster

2006-08-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, Mel Gibson was arrested in the early hours for speeding along the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, the famous beach town North of Los Angeles.
Well, happens to best of us, you might think.
(Although most of us don’t drive around in a Lexus).

The arresting officer told the drunken actor that he was supposed to cuff him but would not, as long as Gibson cooperated.
Fair enough, I would think. But what does our thespian do?
He informed the deputy: “I'm not going to get in your car," and promptly bolted.
Our law enforcement officer quickly subdued Gibson, cuffed him and put him inside the patrol car.
Up till now, nothing special.
Instead of keeping his mouth shut, Australia’s import starting acting out once he was inside the police car.
"You mother f****r. I'm going to f*** you," he informed the astounded policeman.
After these crude words, Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"
(The police officer wisely didn't respond).

When this Gibson Monologue escalated, the arresting officer called ahead for a sergeant to meet them as soon as they would arrive at the station.
Upon arrival, a sergeant began videotaping Gibson, who noticed the camera and then said, "What the f*** do you think you're doing?"
Gibson then noticed a female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"
(If you are interested, you can download the report from the entertainment website www.tmz.com)

The next day, after spending the night in a detox cell and posting a $5,000 bail, Mel G. apologized o for driving while drunk and for his "belligerent behavior" towards the deputy sheriffs who arrested him.
Mmmm, doesn’t sound like a sincere apology to me.
I also miss the reference to his anti-Semitic remarks.
Not that I am surprised, mind you.
For one, Gibson is a staunch Catholic (nothing wrong there), who shares many beliefs of the Traditionalist Catholic movement.
This sect rejects some or all reforms started by the Second Vatican Council in the 1960s.
It’s quite funny that he became so successful in hedonist Hollywood.
That must explain the private chapel Mel built.
The Holy Family Catholic Church is run out of Gibson's Icon Production company offices, with an Icon employee responsible for keeping the church's books and Gibson and his wife Robyn as director. The Gibsons donate money (tax free, of course!) of via the AP Reilly Foundation, a charity they established for the sole purpose of creating the church.
Pennywise, but definitely not Pound-foolish!

Mel’s father, Hutton Gibson, has repeated claimed that the Holocaust was exaggerated. According to Gibson Père, Jews are out to create "one world religion and one world government" and outlined a conspiracy theory involving Jewish bankers, the US Federal Reserve and the Vatican, among others.
Oy vey!

To come back to the current peccadilloes of M.G., the media (including the New York Times and Fox) jumped on the story, not in the least due to the current wars raging in the Middle East.
Thanks to the worldwide web, the story spread like wildfire.
As the New York Times correctly pointed out, in a little over 24 hours, Mr. Gibson’s arrest and subsequent behavior in Malibu had already prompted talk of a claimed cover-up, an exposé, worldwide news coverage, an apology and then a full-blown push for alcohol rehabilitation, even as his representatives and executives at the Walt Disney Company rushed to catch up with the event’s effect on the filmmaker’s movie and television projects with the company.

The fallout was instantly: on Monday, Hope Hartman, a spokeswoman for Disney’s ABC television network, said the company was dropping its plans to produce a Holocaust-themed miniseries in collaboration with Mr. Gibson.

Needless to say, this is a huge relief - I think all of us can do without this "treat".
To quote Rabbi Marvin Hier, head of the Simon Wiesenthal Center:
“I don’t think he should be doing a film on the Holocaust. It would be like asking someone associated with the K.K.K. to do a movie on the African-American experience.”

There is an expression: “in vino veritas” – therefore, one remark our Mel (who promptly checked into rehab) made, hits home: “My life is f****d.”

And if you look at his photo, you see an uncanny resemblance to another notorious anti-Semite…